Why I’ll Never Be The ‘Hookup’ Kind A Girl

He adjusts his body, moving closer to mine. My heart continues to race as his boyish smells fill my nose.

Our shoulders brush and my stomach fills with butterflies.  I sit up to grab a pillow and as I lay back down I feel his arm sneak behind me, resting at the base of my back.

I snuggle in closer as my head sits against his chest. The noise from the movie muffled by his rapidly beating heart, almost as if my presence made him nervous. His strong arms bring me closer, stroking my lower back gently. I feel my lids grow heavy, almost as if his warmth and beating heart were singing a lullaby.

And like a sudden wave crashing along the shore, I sit up. “What was I doing?” This wasn’t like me. I wasn’t the type of girl that engaged in casual hookups. I was the type of girl that read into every little thing. The type of girl that loved too much, expecting nothing in return. The girl who gave her all, only to be left crushed in the end. The girl who wanted to love so deeply and be loved in return. I was that girl.

He asks, “What’s wrong?” Too embarrassed to reveal my thoughts, I lay back down. His arms return around me, this time reaching lower than before. As he continues to stroke my side, I feel my lids grow heavy. The movie ends and we stay snuggled against each other.

He asks me about my family and what I want in life. We talk about his family and he shares stories from his childhood. I conclude that he is indeed a “momma’s boy.” I liked that. Talking with him, I realize how comfortable I feel in his arms. He had a good 80 pounds of muscle on me. It’s funny how I always did have a thing for the athletic jocks, despite their reputation for not being the nicest.

He kisses my cheek and I feel a trail follow from my shoulder down my back and then up again to my neck.

I start giggling, as the ticklish sensations set in and he gives me a smirk.

We spend the next hour or so exploring each other, figuring out where the other is most ticklish.

I told myself I wouldn’t kiss him, or let him kiss me. But I feel my guard slowly falling. “You’re so exotic.” He whispers, before placing his mouth on mine. My body explodes with desire as our mouths continue to explore each other. And when his lips make their way to my neck again, I bite my bottom lip to keep myself from moaning.

Rolling over, I feel him hard against me and I panic, we’re moving too fast. I pull away quickly and bury myself into his chest.

“Are you okay?” He asks

“I’m fine. Just tired.” I reply, looking into his dilated pupils.

“Oh come on.” Kissing me lightly he goes back to exploring my body. As he touches my thighs, a tingle runs up my spine.

“I’m sorry… I can’t.” Whispering.

“Yes, you can. Do you trust me?” asking so easily.

I look into his eyes again, this time more deeply than before. Did I trust him?

I wanted to, but every part of my body screamed that I didn’t. That I shouldn’t.

“I do, I tell him, wrapping my arms around his neck.

“I just don’t trust myself around you.” Which wasn’t a complete lie.

“You’re such a tease you know that.” Nipping at my bottom lip.

“You’re the kind of a girl that reads into everything. I can’t kiss you without you thinking something of it.”

I find myself growing warm, almost as if I were embarrassed. He was right. I was that kind of girl. But why did I feel embarrassed and ashamed of it suddenly?

“Okay, well I should go then.” He states.

“Okay.” I wasn’t sure what to say. I had a feeling all along that this would happen. He gets up to put his shirt back on and grabs his shoes. Before walking out, he comes up to face me and pushes my hair back to cup my face. He kisses me gently and walks out.

Confused, I lay down in my bed as my mind wanders back to what he said earlier and how it made me feel. I was that type of girl. I’ve always known that, but I never thought it was something I had to be embarrassed about. I took pride in being the kind of girl that liked commitment. That enjoyed depth in any relationship. But in this moment I felt the exact opposite.

Deep down I knew that I wouldn’t hear back from this guy. And if I did, it would be late at night and only to fool around. I could see myself caving, simply because I liked the attention, the feeling of being wanted. And I knew that if I let things continue, I’d end up getting hurt. And I’d end up being blamed for feeling too much, for reading too much into things.

But how was I to help it, though? All my life, I’ve held relationships to the highest standard. I believed in them fully. And sometimes too much, to the point where I’d end up getting hurt. I always chose to see the good in people. That no matter what, we all had good within us. In the new relationships I found in college I wanted depth. But all I got was surface level. And as all my friends started finding themselves in serious relationships, I was left longing for one. One that would fill a void in myself I couldn’t explain. I wanted someone to fall for my heart, my mind. To fall in love with the parts of me you couldn’t simply see.

And wanting something real didn’t make me any less of a person. Not being the “casual hookup” kind of girl wasn’t something I needed to be embarrassed or ashamed of. I’ve been through too much to settle for something just because of what others say.  I may feel the pressures of society to mold myself into this culture, but it doesn’t mean I ever have to. I have a choice. And I choose to be the kind of girl that takes things slow, that puts everything into a relationship and loves without boundaries.

Life is beautifully flawed. And I want to find someone who wants to be a part of that experience. I see life as a gift. “Live, Laugh & Love,” may seem like a generic meaningless quote to most people but to me it means something. It means living in the present, aware of the past and future, but never letting it stop you from enjoying and appreciating what is. It means learning to laugh when all you want to do is cry. To see the good that exists, despite the bad we may be surrounded by. And most importantly it means opening your heart up to possibilities. To carry kindness and compassion with you wherever you go. Because actions from love can never be wrong. So fall for me because I inspire you. Fall for me because I make you laugh because I truly listen to you and see you. Because with a promise of beautiful memories, this is how you will fall for me.

I may not be the kind of girl that enjoys casual flings, but that doesn’t make me any less of a person. My heart is too big for that, and my mind too active. And if anyone ever makes me question that, I won’t be embarrassed or ashamed. Because I want more, I deserve more, and I am more.

Featured Image via weheartit.

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