To start out, I want to tell you how thankful I am for you. Even though you are hypothetical right now, you still impact how I make decisions for the future and how I take care of myself, knowing that one day, you will be mine.
I hope you know that I will always care for you and I will always love you, regardless of anything you are scared to tell me. Knowing the things that will be probably be passed down to you, such as eating disorders, anxiety, and depression, there will probably be many things you want to keep secret from me. I hope you know that you can always come to me with these things, whether it is in the middle of the day or in the middle of the night, I’m here to listen.
I want you to be happy. Of course, you are allowed to feel all emotions and experience them equally, but I don’t want you to reject happiness the way I did. Doing this destroyed me, and I don’t want you to go through the same hardships I did because of this.
I want you to love yourself, to feel loved, and to know that you deserve to be loved. This is something that most girls struggle with, but I want you to know that it’s okay to show yourself compassion, because baby, you deserve it.
I hope you know that one day, you will find a boy or girl that makes you so happy, they’ll make you feel like the most beautiful girl on the entire planet. It is important to also recognize that you do not need someone else to make you feel like this; you can be the sun and the moon and all the stars all by yourself and that is perfectly okay.
One day, you might experience such deep sadness; you no longer wish to be a part of the universe anymore. Instead of going the route I did and writing letters and saying your goodbyes, I pray that you will talk to someone; me or someone else. You do not have to go through these thoughts alone. It is important to know that experiences like these do not make you crazy, and they do not mean you are too different or too weird. They mean that you are human.
One day, you might look in the mirror and hate your body. You might starve and purge and restrict and try to make yourself invisible but trust me, it is not worth it. Ask for help when you need it, and remember that your body is the home you grew up in.
I hope you forever remember these things. I hope that I’m wrong about all of this and you will live the happiest and most stress-free life that exists… but I know how the world works. Stay strong through it all and remember to care for yourself first and to keep boundaries and to stand tall amongst your demons. I love you forever.
Xo, Devyn (your future mom)
*Devyn (your future mom)