Well kids, here we are. We’ve survived another season of Bachelor Nation and we’re stronger than ever. Actually, we’re older, sadder, and way more cynical but you know, that’s just semantics.
We obviously think Jordan’s going to win, but who the f*ck knows anymore? JoJo sent home Luke, she can’t be trusted. Girl’s a loose cannon.
Here’s a fun game we can all play while watching this shit show: take a shot every time Chris Harrison says “Aaron Rodgers.” LOL. Anyone else excited to see JoJo’s brothers again, especially after how they treated Ben on his season?
Let’s just board this ship and watch it crash and burn together, name that shit Titanic. Here’s all 31 times we wanted to kill ourselves while watching The Bachelorette and After The Final Rose last night.
1. “When I’m with Robby, I think of Jordan. And when I’m with Jordan, I think of Robby.” Damn, starting this show off with a big f*ck you to both men. I love it.
2. Chris Harrison’s determined to figure this big bro lil’ bro family feud. Just f*cking let it go man, Jordan is better at dodging family related questions than he is at dodging tackles on the field.
3. “I think I’m in love with both of them.” OoOoOoOoOoOo, déjà vu Ben.2.
4. Okay, so Jordan’s little family hat tradition thing was actually pretty cute. And where can I buy the cat hat JoJo was wearing?
5. Jordan NOT asking for JoJo’s hand in marriage… WHAT THE F*CK?! That’s not how this show works.
6. “Robby was the very first person to tell me he loves me.” *Pan to JoJo’s dad’s poker straight face.* LOL.
7. JoJo’s brothers actually behaving this episode? Give me something here! I need more male drama, you guys aren’t cutting it this season. Stop slacking.
8. *Disney princess theme song in the background* Stop! This isn’t Disney! She isn’t a f*cking princess. She’s an idiot, there’s a difference.
9. JoJo leaning more towards choosing Robby over Jordan. This isn’t what we decided JoJo, go back to Jordan. I can’t be proven wrong here!!
10. Robby is the family favorite so you know what that means? JoJo is going to pick Jordan, because #RebelChild.
11. JoJo realizing that Jordan didn’t ask for her hand in marriage. Aw shit. DRAMA!
12. Robby describing their life together. Seriously though, just please slit my throat now.
13. Chris Harrison bringing up Aaron Rodgers…again. F*ck off Chris Harrison.
14. JoJo pushing Jordan to talk about what he said to her dad, but more so what he didn’t say. And Jordan fumbling over his words. BAHAH! Dead.
15. Nice save Jordan, way to man up. Over the phone…
16. Holy shit you guys, Jordan’s handwriting. Is this a joke?!
17. Jordan’s note. I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to cry. F*ck, I’m sobbing a small river over here.
18. No one should look that good in a suit. Damn you Jordan.
19. Hearing Robby talk about how she’s going to say yes and that she’ll be his fiancée after he proposes. If only you knew the truth…you’re gonna lose your shit in 2 seconds.
20. JoJo stopping Robby before he proposes, and his heart shattering in a million red rose petals. Poor Robby, but not really. Sucks to suck.
21. Robby’s really f*cking confused. But, we’re not. J-Bear had it in the bag from day one.
22. JoJo repeating “I wanted it to be you.” I mean, you could’ve made it him, but you didn’t…So, good luck explaining that to your fiancée Jordan.
23. I may not be the only wanting to kill myself right now. Robby, it’s cool man. Don’t do anything stupid. She isn’t worth it.
24. “I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with Jordan.” You mean the next 5 months, because we’re all taking bets over here.
25. That hug after she told him she loved him… That shit melted my cold, black heart.
26. It was nice of Robby to leave the salon. For the hour it took to tape the final show.
27. Robby asking JoJo if she still thinks about a future with him. Uh, awk…dude, she’s engaged.
28. Chad Bro Chad…SHUT THE F*CK UP. Mental instability like his shouldn’t be rewarded. ABC STOP LETTING HIM SPEAK. *LOL at his security guard behind him…still*
29. Ben and Lauren getting their own reality TV show. Dude, f*ck this show.
30. Chris Harrison trying to ask about Aaron again. And Jordan telling Chris to shut the f*ck up with his eyes. Was it awkward for everyone else like it was for me?
31. Ben and Lauren giving JoJo and Jordan advice. How awkward…JoJo’s ex and one of her best friends giving her and her new fiancée advice on life when this time one year ago she was in love with Ben.
We made it, rose lovers! After months of roses, kissing, weird private concerts *secretly jealous*, and something called Chad, JoJo Fletcher has finally chosen a man to spend the rest of her life with, and his name is…Jordan Rodgers!
Big bro Aaron Rodgers may have a Super Bowl ring, but after a huge, nationally televised win of his own last night, Jordan got to put a ring on it. The younger brother of the Packers’ quarterback became the last man standing – or, in his case, kneeling – on The Bachelorette. And I get to finally have a life every Monday night. F*ck yes.
Now that all this shit show is all done with, can we talk about JoJo’s mom?! Can she get a spin-off?! She and JoJo’s dad just go hang out on Bachelor in Paradise and give everyone advice? Just try telling us you wouldn’t watch that!
Speaking of, if you HAVEN’T gotten enough of these Bachelor Nation f*ckers, feel free to watch Bachelor In Paradise. I’ll be here drinking myself into oblivion.
Bachelor in Paradise airs tomorrow night at 8 p.m. on ABC.
Collaboration with Heather Thompson.
Featured Image via screengrab from The Bachelor.