You know those trainwreck moments? You know, the ones where you watch as a scenario plays out in real-time and you start to realize this shit isn’t going to end well, at all… Well, welcome to last night’s episode of The Bachelor. Benny boy made Bachelor Nation scream, internally and externally, as well as made Bachelor history, by not only saying “I love you too” to one of the women, but to two out of three of his leading ladies. Whomp whomp.
Now, I know in recent recaps…or like, all of them, I have not hesitated on bashing the remaining women on this show, but this episode I feel like it’s necessary to give Ben some attention. And it is most definitely not the kind he wants. Benji, if you’re reading this, grab the closest box of tissues and get ready to feel really shitty about yourself. I warned you in advance…#sorrynotsorry.
You’ve managed to do literally everything backwards this season, and it’s time we talk about it. Let’s peel back these layers you seem to be obsessed with for some reason and just get down to it. You’re a f*cking asshole Ben, and here’s how I’m going to break it down for you:
Caila was suppppper awk in the beginning of your date; it kinda reminded me of a Disney ride. Sounds like a good idea at first, but then things get weird when you realize you’re not actually going anywhere, and this isn’t actually a ride, and that all the river creatures are made of plastic… Then she told you she was “in love with you,” which was met with a silent kiss and an awkward grin. Dude, we get it, you’re not that into her. F*cking send her home now. But nooooooo, you had to go and invite the poor girl to the fantasy suite while fireworks are exploding outside your window and you’re awkwardly making out on the bed in wet bathing suits (probably). Your whole date was just there, nothing excited, yet outrageously uncomfortable for all parties. This chick is certain she knew you loved her based on a feeling she got from your eyes…and then she says she can feel it in your breath…SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!
You two released some baby sea turtles, which was cool and all, but then Lauren B starts talking about how she hopes your relationship will last as long as sea turtles can live. You two mention to each other that you think the other person is too good for them where you eventually made it up to the fantasy suite where shit gets real. Lauren tells you that she is completely in love with you, and what do you say? “I’ve known for a while that I’m in love with you too.” THIS ISN’T A THING YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO BEN! We all saw this coming but dude, Bachelor rule #1…Don’t ever say “I love you” back.
We were all recovering from your hundreds of “I love you’s” back and forth with Lauren which made your date with JoJo even weirder. She opened up about how she wanted to tell you she loved you, but knew she couldn’t get validation for that until she was the last one left. So, to her surprise, and our disappointment, you f*cking said it back. Oops, you did it again, am I right? Then she lied, again, about how her brothers would end up loving you…right.
Now that we got the dates out-of-the-way let’s continue on with this dysfunctional love story. You made your decision to send Caila home the same time Caila decided to come surprise you while you were staring off into the far Jamaican distance. You let her know that you weren’t picking her, even though you described her as your perfect wife as you started your rejection speech. She handled it pretty well, for like a minute. She cried, got back in the car, and then got back out and demanded answers, “Did you know this week?” You promised you didn’t know, until all these b*tches told you their feelings aka who was the best in bed. She got back in the car and sobbed while putting on her seatbelt, because, safety first. She sobbed in the car, you cried on some steps, and we all thought this was the end of the episode. We were so wrong.
You still had a rose ceremony to go through even though there was literally no f*cking point to it. JoJo got a rose, and Lauren B got a rose, and you all awkwardly hugged. You probably have both girls thinking “he’s all mine, he said ‘I love you’ back” but really you said it both of them so now we’re watching their every move and side-eye glances and listening to their every word; you’re turning these women into shade throwing little f*ckers. You go Ben Coco. Oh, and why are you all raising your glasses so high? It’s a toast, not a damn sacrifice to the Gods…
Ben, Benny boo, Benji…you repeatedly mentioned you “don’t want to hurt any of these women,” so here’s some advice, don’t f*cking say “I love you” to all parties involved…this isn’t sister wives. Chris Harrison even had the same reaction the rest of the world did when he found out you told both women you loved them; his reaction? This motherf*cker…
We’re looking forward to the Women Tell All episode next week; where you will have to face 26 of your exes at the same time, one of your current girls is humiliated on National TV, and your fiancée is considering how hard she should throw her ring at you. Olivia will probably still try to convince everyone how confident she is in your relationship. Bet they’ll have dead bugs behind the set so she can stuff her fat mouth. But anyways, super excited to see my angel face Amanda. Oh, and Ben? I’ve known for a long time that you’re just a dick.
Check back next week for the recap of Women Tell All! The Bachelor airs Monday (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.
Featured Image via screengrab from The Bachelor.