Kids, roid rage is real. And its name is Chad. This 2-night epic Bachelorette saga took us all on a journey to a very dark place: the eye of Hurricane Chad. We could just say Chad Bro Chad got real mad and end this shit right now, but where’s the fun in that?
Here’s 34 things we wish we could say to Chad Bro Chad during this week’s episodes of The Bachelorette:
- There is such a thing as too buff – Those rope-like veins you’ve developed? I’ll be having nightmares about those for weeks. But at least now I know if I ever wanted to commit suicide I could wrap one of his veins around my neck and call it a
- You have a very unhealthy relationship with food – Put the meat down Chad. It’s making me lose my appetite. Watching him eating a small farm def made me happy with my life choice of becoming a vegetarian.
- That blank stare of rage says so much – Mainly it says, “Please get this guy a trip to a therapist.” Or maybe a hug from like an extremely angry grizzly bear or something.
- Your reverse psychology could use some work – No one’s buying the “bullied bullying the bully” theory.
- You and Daniel from Canada need to calm down – I’ve never been more uncomfortable watching a bromance form before.
- All this back and forth bickering is pathetic – If you actually want to learn how to insult each other the right way, just ask any woman.
- You keep bitching about how there are too many dudes on this date/season – How the hell did you make it this far bro?! You had to go up against thousands of contestants to try and even make it on this show.
- Why are you being so sensitive about talking about your sexual past – If you’ve f*cked a guy before, then just say it…majority of us here have done the same. No reason to be a little girl about it.
- JoJo just gave you the cheek in front of everyone – How did that raging burn feel with all those roids pumping through your rope-like veins?
- Why are you threatening everyone? – I don’t get you, you’re obsessed with making the men in the house into a protein shake, but I really don’t think a group of men blended together with whey protein powder will taste too delish.
- “I don’t have any problems with anybody.” – Dude, you have an entire house full of people and the “girl of your dreams” so confused by you.
- Maybe Jordan was right about you – You’re probably better off just lifting weights than trying to do anything related to speaking the English language.
- What’s going on with your eyes? – Is it just me or does it look like both of your eyes are wall-eyed?
- I seriously hate everything about your face – If watching human flesh was something I was into, I would totally watch someone light your face on fire. Is that weird?
- Stop stalking everyone’s one-on-one conversation with JoJo – It’s a little creepy. Like super stalkerish. She may have to file for a PFA after this…
- “I’m not a bully.” – Yeah, but you’ll threaten all their lives and you punched a f*cking door for what reason?!
- You go from psycho to distracted in seconds, it’s so confusing – If I had to describe you, it would be like The Hulk with ADHD. HULK SMASH!!!…OOOH, is that a meat platter? F*CK YOU EVAN, I’LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND PUT IT IN A PROTEIN SHAKE…oh my God, I skipped leg day yesterday, F*CKKKKKKKK!
- You have a security guard watching your every move man – SECURITY…SECURITY…YOU NEED TO GO. I WILL CUT YOU! Bon Qui Qui from King Burger, anyone?
- Chad…back away slowly from the food – I’m so concerned for the existence of all living creatures because of you now.
- Watching you eat a raw yam makes me cringe – This is equivalent to eating a banana and making eye contact with someone…
- Chris Harrison: “A lot of the men have said you’re on steroids.”
Chad Bro Chad: “Well, yeah, I mean there would’ve been no way I could’ve brought them with me anyway.” – Dude…hahahhaha. F*ck this show. This isn’t going to end well for you Chad.
- So, now we’re resorting to threatening to rip limbs, heads, and torsos off – Keepin’ it classy I see.
- How did you get to the door first to greet JoJo? – You were just playing with your pool noodles…BAHHAHA. Noodles.
- You should try to have an anger-gasm – You need something dude, because kicking a pink inflatable flamingo isn’t doing it for you.
- How the hell are you still on this f*cking show? – Honestly…I knew I didn’t like JoJo for a reason.
- I really want to see you fight that bear – I’m on #TeamBlackBear
- For someone who is roided up, you’re kind of a bitch – you threaten to kill people and beat them up, but then you walk away first…I don’t understand you.
- To Jordan: “You think you’re safe for now. One day this ends. And when this ends you go home. And when you go home you think I can’t find you? You think I won’t go out of my way to come to your house? I’m dead f*cking serious.” – Threatening other contestant’s lives: #JustChadThings!
- Not going to lie, I cringe every time you grab JoJo – I really f*cking hope you aren’t that low of a person who would EVER lay their hand on a woman.
- Also, to be honest, I was sort of hoping Alex would turn the ax on you…just saying – #BachelorettePlotTwist
- “Best advice I could give him is to keep my name out of his mouth. If not I’m taking his teeth home.” – Should someone be checking your house?!
- JoJo: “I’m disappointed because I gave you a second chance, but then you threatened to beat people.”
Chad: “Yeah, so they would be quiet.” – WRONG ANSWER, CHAD. That’s probably the last thing you want to say…
- Will you please stop whistling in the woods? – You’re making the hair on my unshaven legs stand up.
- JoJo: “I just have to ask: Have you threatened anyone in the house?”
Chad: “I mean, it’s not 100% false.” – Right, that’s because it’s 100% true.
We end the episode with what literally happened to be the worst date ever. What better way to breakup with someone than on a freezing cold, wet hike in the middle of nowhere with absolutely nowhere to escape to?
JoJo and Alex then walked away hand in hand, kissing, while Chad roamed the forest until nightfall, casually whistling that still made the hair on my unshaven legs stand up. Somebody get this man a raw yam STAT.
Thought we were finally rid of him? Think again. If next episode’s preview is any indication, Chad isn’t going home without a fight…or until someone finds a bear to throw at him.
As Chad walks towards the house like a hungry black bear through the dark woods, a horror story plot starts to unfold in real time. Chad stands at the front door and slides his fingertips down the glass window. No f*cking lie, we are going to witness a real life horror film in the making next episode. For the first time this season, I didn’t want to drown myself in a tub full of baby tears.
Check back in two weeks for the recap of the next episode! The Bachelorette is set to air again Monday, June 20th (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.
Collaboration with Heather Thompson.
Featured Image via screengrab from The Bachelorette.