The first thing anyone ever notices about me is my chest. When I was in the seventh grade, I was already popping out of Victoria’s Secret’s DD-size bras. Now, at 22 years old, my bra size is 32H. Being top-heavy and having huge boobs isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Although most women dream and would pay for my body, I struggle with it every single day. Here are the reasons why:
1. Working out in public is nearly impossible.
If you have any sort of mid-to-large-sized rack, working out is a struggle, especially in public. When I go to the gym, I have to wear (not one, not two, but) three sports bras just to keep my girls in place.
Despite this, they bounce around like basketballs. If there are too many people at the gym, cardio is impossible. I’m more likely to leave with a black eye than burned calories. It’s not fun working out when every guy in a five-mile radius is staring at the earthquake you’re about to cause.
2. Bathing suit and bra shopping days are the worst days.
I’ve never been able to wear the cute bathing suit trends that appear every summer. Fringe tops? Nope. Triangl bathing suits? Maybe it’ll cover one of my nipples. When it comes to bikinis, I have to spend hundreds of dollars to find a top that fits. Then, I have to buy a whole other suit to get an extra-small bottom. I’m disproportioned and dissatisfied.
Bras? Don’t even mention them. I can’t get one without having it specially sized. The more it has to be taken in, the higher the price goes. I spend over $200 on a single bra. Also, the bras that do fit me look like my grandmother would wear them, and they only ever come in black and beige. Guess my boyfriend isn’t getting any sexy red lingerie for the holidays.
3. What is strapless?
I’ve always loved the look of strapless dresses and rompers, but loving the look doesn’t mean it’ll ever work for me. Any woman with big boobs knows wearing a strapless dress is like dreaming of the perfect man. It’s fun to think about, but we all know it’s not happening. If I wear something strapless, I have a better chance of getting a nip slip than I do of looking cute.
4. Fifty shades of boob sweat.
In the summer, you’d think wearing black is a horrible choice. But, it’s my only choice. When it comes to scorching sunshine and high temperatures, my underboob harvests the meanest amount of swamp tit you’d ever imagine. White and gray shirts lead to sweat stains and shame. To all my big boob sisters, you know the struggle.
5. Anything you wear always looks a bit slutty.
When it comes to going out, everything that’s trendy seems to work for small boobs only. Crop tops, bodycon dresses and any high-waisted slit just brings more attention to my chest. Inevitably, I look like I should be working in the red-light district. Even when we don’t try to look sexy, we’ll always come off as sexy.
Take a job interview, for example. It’s nearly impossible to find a button-down shirt that fits your frame and your chest, without having the buttons on the verge of popping open at any given moment. No one knows how to act professional when you look like the starring actress in a low-budget porno.
6. Jackets must stay open, or else.
Leather jackets and blazers are probably my favorite part of fall fashion. Every year, I look forward to throwing on leggings and a leather jacket with some boots, and calling it a day. But if it gets too cold out, I’m sh*t out of luck. Getting a leather jacket or a blazer that actually close is out of the question.
I have to settle for throwing on a scarf, with my open jacket in 32-degree weather. If I try to find one that actually closes, it’ll end up looking like I can fit two more pairs of arms in the sleeves.
7. Just call us the hunchbacks.
Every woman with big boobs knows posture is a problem. I find myself slouching everywhere, no matter what I’m doing or where I am. When you have boobs that weigh more than 10 pounds together, it’s like wearing a weighted backpack on your chest all day long. It’s nearly impossible for your back to support that much at all times.
Whether you’re standing or sitting, you’re going to slouch. My posture is absolutely horrible, and people are always telling me to “sit up straight.” Little do they know how much it f*cking hurts.
8. Sleeping on your stomach? Haha.
Do I need to say more? Think about getting punched in the balls the entire night, all while you’re trying to sleep. Yeah, it hurts.
9. Cross-body bags and long necklaces? No thanks.
Crossbody bags are the best invention for commuting to work. They’re hands-free and easy to carry. The only problem is, when women like us wear them, the strap falls right in our cleavages and separates our chests entirely. Give me a bag and watch my chest transform into a JFK Airport runway.
Also, while long necklaces are the cutest accessory to any outfit, they’re more likely to get lost between my cleavage than to actually look cute.
10. All I want for my birthday is a breast reduction.
I’ve been dreaming of a breast reduction since the day I grew out of Victoria’s Secret.
F*ck everyone who says it’s like “slapping God in the face.” Living with these melons is a year-round commitment. It isn’t pretty or easy.