Alcohol. Because no good story ever started with a salad, right?
I can’t even begin to list all the stupid things I have done, or have witnessed, because it would go on FOREVER. Give anyone too many glasses of anything, and you’re in for a good story. Alcohol fills us with a false sense of confidence and invincibility. At the time, every action and every word makes TOTAL sense. Look at it the next morning with a slightly clearer head, and you re-live the stupidity all over again.
Here it goes people, the MANY stupid things we do when we are under the influence (get ready to remember all those moments you’ve desperately tried to blank out):
- Proceed to continue drinking when already drunk. Shots? Why the hell not. Bring it on. I’m a grown-ass woman I can handle this. LIES.
- Thinking that you can rival Beyoncé and her level of sass on the dance floor, when really you look like a crazy fool trying, and very much failing, to catch the eyes of Hottie McHottie nearby.
- Tell everyone that you love them. The bouncer, the cute bar-man, the total stranger in the girls’ bathroom. What did your parents tell you about talking to strangers?
- Lose all your friends in the club. At least one person will be MIA, that’s a given. In any group there’s usually one or two serial offenders. Eventually, you just sorta let them be free, do their thing, and find you later on when they’re ready; PRAYING they make a safe return.
- Make contact with your ex. This is why I think mobile phones were a mistake. You wouldn’t do that shit 30 years ago ‘cause you just couldn’t! Before you press send, tell your girls what you’re about to do. Yes, they’ll rightly tell you you’re a FOOL, but they’ll also do what’s necessary. Oh but wait – can’t find them… too late it’s SENT.
- Cry. For no reason at all. Maybe you’re on your period. Maybe you’re an emotional drunk. Highly likely there is no good reason behind this at all. Who knew things could get so emo-ish after one too many mojitos?
- Fall over. Down some stairs. Off a stage. In the middle of the road. Resulting in you possibly flashing a good number of randoms, and losing any dignity that was still intact at this point (probs not a whole lot let’s be honest).
- Fall asleep on the toilet. ‘Just gonna rest my eyes a little while I pee…..’ 25 minutes later… SO much time can pass before those eyes will open again, or one of your friends miraculously finds you and shakes you back into consciousness.
- Lose your phone/house keys/ID/the ENTIRE contents of your purse. How we don’t notice this happening I will never know. Definitely high up there on the Stupid Shit scale.
- PUKE. Maybe on yourself or maybe on the shoes of someone you haven’t ever met before. Either way, you couldn’t quite make it to the toilet in time, ‘cause you’re just that hammered and having far too much of a good time doing all this stupid shit.
- Going home with a stranger who you don’t even like that much/quite possibly has a girlfriend/ could be a total psycho, even when you kinda KNOW you shouldn’t, but alcohol is telling you to live in the moment and stop thinking.
- Decide that you want to dabble in a life of crime, and end up returning home with a shot glass/ traffic cone. Don’t kill my buzz.
- Getting in a random taxi on the street on your own. DON’T do this, pleeeeease!!!
- Thinking that greasy cheesy fries/something that vaguely resembles a kebab is a sensible 4th meal choice at 3 AM. Don’t even get me started on the ordering of pizza, and then waiting 40 minutes for it, when all you want to do is SLEEP. WTF?
If you’re anything like me, a number of the above probably reminded you of yesterday’s night out. I wonder at what age this starts to become unacceptable… Oh well, I guess we can all take comfort in the knowledge that no matter how shameful our own actions, it’s almost guaranteed there is someone somewhere else who has 100% trumped you with the stupid shit they’ve done. We’ve all been there. Don’t worry friends. Dust yourself off, and get yourself ready for the next round.
Featured image via screengrab of Neighbors