16 Cold Hard Truths Everyone On ‘The Bachelor’ Needs To Hear

All's fair in love and Warsaw.

How are we doing this week, Bachelor Nation? Do you feel validated and reassured? Has your confidence taken a hit?

Real quick, has The Bachelor gone back in time to the 30s or something? …Seriously though, this episode is supposed to take place in Ben’s quaint little hometown of Warsaw, Indiana. But like, what decade are they supposed to be in right now? Everyone is driving around in old school cars. Definitely not drunk enough for this.

It became clear that we were in fact in the 21st century when the local diner had a sign that read, “No, we don’t have Wi-Fi. Talk to each other.” So, now that it’s been confirmed that there is actual hell on Earth. In case you were wondering.

While exploring a bit of Warsaw, the ladies seem to be falling love. Not only with Ben’s hometown, but with the eligible (but not really) Bachelor. JoJo thinks it’s a great place to raise a family, and Emily “would move to Indiana [if Ben picked her] and just make babies all day.” Same…but, they do know Ben currently lives in Denver, right? Also, was it just me or did anyone else picture the dock, all 6 ladies were standing on, collapsing while they all freak out and/or all possibly drown? No? Just me…? Okay.

Let’s continue with this exciting game where we not only give these ladies, and Ben, some tough love, but make them face some hard truths head on.

1. According to a small human [a child] the new terminology for kissing is calling doing a “squishy squishy”. And I don’t hate it. In fact, I will be using that word from now on. Also, everyone should take a moment to appreciate their innocence…like Becca, cause she’s a virgin.

2. It may not be such a coincidence that Lauren B met his friends. Remember back when Chris Soules took Whitney to meet his friends at a bar in his hometown? Funny enough, she ended up with a ring on her finger. You know what they say too, history has a way of repeating itself. Pretty sure that means Lauren B will be Mrs. Higgins.

3. Ben, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, validate one girl more than another. You don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, you’ve said this before…so, maybe you shouldn’t be giving a baseball jersey to one out of the six girls that says Mrs. Higgins on the back. Just an idea.

4. People clearly get super confused with your date cards, Ben. Dude, all of your girlfriends had a little trouble figuring out what city is the “Windy City,” which is understandable because Indiana and Illinois are two completely different states. [The “Windy City” is Chicago…in case you’re still struggling with that one.]

5. JoJo is even more confusing than Caila. She tells Ben it’s “easier to run away and remove myself from the situation to avoid being hurt” but then fast-forward not even 20 seconds and she’s telling the camera in her interview that she’s “not scared anymore…I’m through my insecurities out the window,” and that she’s “more #TeamBen than she has ever been. But, like, how does that change within less than a minute JoJo? God dammit, ladies, stop f*cking around.

6. Benji, your girls definitely don’t know how to row a boat. Clearly, they watching The Notebook expecting you do to all the work Benny boo, but when it’s a 3-on-1 date and two of the girls get stuck together in a boat, well…need I say more?

7. If you’re saying something serious to someone, you absolutely need to awkwardly touch foreheads. I don’t know why, don’t ask. It’s just something I’ve picked up watching The Bachelor for a decent amount of my life. Still don’t know why every single f*cking person does this…

8. Girls on this show clearly don’t listen to directions too well. After Ben gave Amanda the group date rose and they go off on their one-on-one date, Becca says, “I’m frustrated and confused as to where we go from here.” Well, considering Ben mentioned earlier that whoever didn’t get the group date rose head back to the house…so just go back to the house. Don’t make this awkward, Becca…

9. Vegas apparently does not have swans. They also don’t have “really yellow bees,” according to Emily. Whatever the f*ck that means. Oh, and you don’t see many ducks in Vegas either…

10. You have some ugly criers on this season Ben, also, most of these girls don’t look too hot without makeup either. Except Amanda, she has an angel face.

11. Caila thinks she’s a superhuman. The b*tch literally tried slowing/stopping a MOVING pontoon boat with her 100 lb body… Caila, what are you doing?

12. Metaphors are NOT acceptable responses ladies. Stop it! Ben shouldn’t need a f*cking decoder to decipher what the hell it is you’re trying to say.

13. There’s a lot of f*cking spider webs in Indiana… Seriously though, every shot in this episode had spider webs caught on plants, crops, hay stacks, tractors; just swaying in the breeze…

14. Going behind the counter at McDonald’s is apparently something Ben always wanted to do…? I literally have no f*cking idea… Pretty sure all the workers as McDonald’s want to slap you across the face with a frozen burger, but that might just be me.

15. Pulling a Lady and the Tramp move with a french fry isn’t as romantic as you think. So, please excuse me while I’ll be attempting this, only with a tater tot. I’ll get back to you with the outcome.

16. Ben, you have some decent ladies left. Considering they all cried when Emily got sent home tells you a lot. They all genuinely care about each other which is pretty cool now that we got all the backstabbing b*tches out of the house. You go Ben Coco.

As meh as this episode was compared to the previous episodes, don’t worry my little petunias, the drama will start up again next week. JoJo’s family will most likely ruin her chances of becoming Mrs. Higgins. We hear her brother screaming [at Ben], “You’ve really brainwashed these girls…you need to take a step back.” Then we see Ben leaving upset saying, “I can’t do this right now.” Some juicy shit right there, and we couldn’t be more excited about it!

Okay you guys, we are less than a week away from hometowns! I hope this time next week we are all still feeling confident, validated, reassured, and all those wonderful things. If you need me, I’ll be telling all my friends to update their dating profiles to say “Doesn’t consider going to McDonald’s a date.”

Check back next week for the recap of the next episode! The Bachelor airs Monday (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.

Featured Image via screengrab from The Bachelor.


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