This week, Ben Higgins and his sister-wives all hit Mexico City, Mexico. Last night, we were probably all ripping our hair out, or in my case cleaning a melted chocolate bar (in the wrapper) that blew up in my microwave… Don’t ask, because I honestly don’t even know. All I have to say is this show is killing my brain cells, for sure.
To be continued… What the hell is this shit, ABC?! Just take Olivia’s rose away and send her ass packing with a bag of crickets; she’ll be fine. With emotions running high last episode, clearly nothing has changed, whatsoever, and these girls just proved that you should never underestimate the craziness of a ‘Bachelor’ contestant. Some of these girls also proved that they have absolutely no idea how this show works, Jubilee…
Some really weird shit went down last night: Olivia sensually ate some crickets, JoJo stated that “Ben already tasted my taco, and he loved it,” and Ben sent home a contestant who refused to hold his beautiful hand. Let’s continue this joyful moment with 26 things you wish you could have said to each contestant on ‘The Bachelor’.
1. “Ben already tasted my taco…I know my taco is delicious.” LOL, you are definitely talking about your vagina. Also, how many times are you going to say taco? You’re just making things weird.
2. Reminder: When a guy is trying to explain something difficult to group, don’t interrupt him. Don’t pull an Olivia.
3. Also, work on your high-fiving skills. Hint: Always look at the other person’s elbow when you high-five, you’ll never miss.
4. Look at you speaking Español, being all cute and shit. Can we just say you were perfect for this group date…
5. Honestly, we’re just waiting for you to make it to the finals. Lord knows we’re all rooting for you. You’re literally so cute.
6. Um, who are you? The trick is to stand out from the crowd, honey, not blend in. We honestly have no f*cking clue who you are.
7. Literally the same as above. No idea, who you are girl.
8. Um…well we know who you are, but honestly, we barely saw you this week. Try harder, Becca.
9. Kissing Ben at the dinner table is probably really romantic and all. But isn’t leaning over awkwardly to the side to make out uncomfortable? Doesn’t it hurt your back?
10.Your hair is majestic, but girl, you need to loosen up your model walk. It’s all in the hips. And if nothing else relaxes you, think of Ben naked. I mean the audience – think of the audience naked.
11. If Ben Higgins told me he was falling for me in Spanish, I would swoon. Good on you for not swooning.
12. I really admire your ability to pull off that all white outfit and look as good as you did in it. You dress to impress, and I think Ben is definitely impressed.
13. I have too many thoughts for you, Oliviaaaa. The most prevalent one being: All we want is for you to close your f*cking mouth, okay? Seriously, it’s not attractive.
14. Crickets aren’t part of the food pyramid… There’s also no “sexy” way to eat them either, so please just stop, for the love of everything decent left in this world.
15.“Olivia is back again!” …Where did you go, exactly?
16. To Amanda: “I feel like it’s an episode of Teen Mom that I watch.” How dare you insult Amanda! Amanda is an angel sent down to Ben from above and all you’re doing is making us figure out a way to punch you through our TV and computer screens.
17. Now that Haley’s gone, I’m not going to lie, I love Emily’s sass and honesty because I think it’s really genuine. I think I’m starting to like her now. What??
18. “If he likes Olivia, why should a girl like me even be here?” Damn girl, you just got real insightful. Look out ladies, Emily is like a new woman without her twin around. She’s coming for you.
19. Loving the total Hulk Mode you got into when Olivia insulted you. I’m not even being sarcastic here, I really loved it.
20. Ben was right when he said “You’re beautiful inside and out.” Keep being your cute little self, I support you girl.
21. We really love you, Amanda. From your princess like wake ups to your adorableness. You might actually be a Disney princess.
23. How do you not see how fake Olivia is? She is literally so rude, she interrupts you all the time, acts like a Stage 5 Clinger, she makes the ugliest faces, and everyone hates her…
24. You walk like a professional model boy. Good for you! You go Ben Coco!
25. Giving Olivia a rose on the group date was a bad decision. You basically just boosted Satan’s ego.
26. Can you make Bachelor history and rip the rose right out of Olivia’s hands, please?? That would be swell, thanks.
ABC, you have really shitty timing. “To be continued…” You’re actually going to make us wait another damn week to see if Olivia and her cankles gets the boot, oh, and her little crickets too. Knowing this show, and how much they love the drama, they’ll probably keep her another week. I’m guessing she’ll get a second chance with Ben, but I don’t see her making it past Episode 6. I still don’t understand the attraction; the girl made love to a cricket in her mouth, she has dragon breath, Ben even made a toast with fresh mint because that shit was RANK…and she insulted the most perfect angel, Amanda.
Previews for later this season show Ben admitting that he told two women he loved them, and he ends up heartbroken because he has to say goodbye to someone who doesn’t deserve it, and someone he wants to keep in his life. You can’t have everything, Benjamin.
Seriously, listen to me. I already know who should be your final four, send everyone else home already: you should keep Amanda, JoJo, Caila, and Lauren B. Bing, bam, boom. Let’s hurry this show up already, I can’t afford to lose anymore innocent chocolate bars!
Check back next week for the recap of the next episode! The Bachelor airs Monday (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.
Collaboration with Emily Bernstein.
Feature Image via OK Magazine.