Here Comes Alcohol: 10 Reasons You’ll Be Spiking The Punch Bowl This Christmas

Ho, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum.

Christmas is upon us, my friends. Carols are being sung, gifts are being wrapped, and stores are being swept as we speak. What an exciting time of year this truly is.

Yes, on Christmas, we eat, drink, laugh, and socialize. Oh, how we socialize, and although most of the time it’s brilliant, every so often we need to get merry in order to survive. Christmas isn’t just joyously unwrapping gifts and sipping eggnog around the tree. Sometimes it can be pretty excruciating, and worthy of something a little stronger than a Shirley Temple (admit it, you love it, if only for the stories).

So, here’s a list of all the things that will have you reaching for the booze this Christmas:

  1. Endless questions about your relationship status.

Regardless of whether you’re single, newly engaged, or happily married, there always seems to be a hoard of people armed with what seems like purposefully offensive questions. No, I’m not miserable and NO, I’m not afraid that I’m going to grow old alone with nothing but an army of cats to keep me company .

  1. The music

At first, it’s great. The songs are blasting, the hips are moving, you’re having a right laugh. But after an hour or so, you’re over that shit. I need some Rihanna up in here.

  1. Family members who have clearly forgotten who you are.

Okay, so we’ve all experienced this. You’re minding your own business when Great Aunt Joyce, comes over and calls you the wrong name. At first, it’s funny, but when she starts telling you a story about how you fell off of a tree when you were ten, you realize it wasn’t just a slip of the tongue, she genuinely has no clue as to who you are. Just go with ityou don’t want to be the one who ruined Christmas.

  1. Mistletoe

I mean, come on people, do we really need to keep this tradition going? I mean really. If Idris Elba, or Chris Hemsworth, or basically anyone desirable were in the room, I’d totally be down. But when all I’ve got to work with is Ed from accounting, what the hell is Ed even doing here? I’d rather give that whole awkward lip touching thing a miss.

  1. Uncle Ted

Yay. We get to go home, have food cooked for us, and the family is coming to town. What could be wrong with this? Uncle. Fricking. Ted. is what could be wrong with this. We all have an Uncle Ted. Give him one sip of brandy and it feels like you’ve traveled back half a century to a far more racist time.

  1. Having to wear your christmas jumper all bloody day

God damn jumpers. Awkward, itchy, uncomfortable jumpers. Yes, they look great in the pictures, and yes, they’re a great hoot at first, but when I’ve stuffed myself on pigs in blankets the last thing I want to worry about is messing up the sweater that Great Aunt Joyce spent months knitting for me.

  1. Lying

It’s bad, I know. Christmas is a time for love, sharing, and ideally, honesty. But let’s get real. Christmas is stressful, we have so many people to please, and sometimes, you can’t be bothered with the drama. Now isn’t the time to admit to your family that you’re doing a little (a LOT) worse than you’d hoped at college“Yes Mom, I passed all my finals with flying colors.

  1. Having your shit together

Okay, so this is slightly harder than lying. This isn’t just a flippant dishonest remark; this is theater. Christmas is an all day, every day nativity scene. You will have to give the performance of your lifetime, convincing everyone that you are an “adult” who totally has their life under control.

  1. Gifts

Once you’ve brought the gifts, it feels as if a weight has been lifted, but watching people opening them is almost as bad. Do they like it, they don’t look like they like it, wait they’re smiling, so the must like it, but maybe they’re faking it. And don’t get me started on actually receiving gifts; time to put on another show stopping performance.

  1. Saying goodbye

I’ll admit after the stresses of christmas goodbye is my favorite part, but I’m sure for some this can be difficult.

And let us not forget the hangover. If you treat yourself to the alcohol you deserve, trust me when I say you’ll feel it in the morning. But it will all be worth it when you realize you survived yet another family Christmas, and hot damn do you have some juicy stories to tell.

Featured Image via That 70s Show.



Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.