I know what love is, and I know how it feels to be in love. But I don’t know is what being loved feels like. I’ve never been loved by someone like I have loved them.
Because people have broken my trust and heart so many times in contradictory circumstances, I’ve developed abandonment issues. These heartbreaks have only proven to me that I’m disposable to other people and that I clearly haven’t been loved, even when I thought I was. I’ve found my perspective shattered time and time again, and after all the reflecting I’ve done, I genuinely realize that I have never been loved. I don’t know what being loved is like.
I know how beautiful being in love can be. You feel on top of the world, invincible, and at your best. You become selfless for someone else, feel generous with your time and love, and feel like the best version of yourself. You’re part of a team and have devoted all your trust and loyalty to a person without having an ounce of doubt.
I’ve been in love with some incredible people, but I never realized that in the height of what I thought was bliss, I was never truly loved in return.
I’ve thought so highly about people, only to have them treat me like I don’t even exist. I might have been respected consensually, but otherwise, people treated me like a joke, and I was too blind to see it. I was too busy looking for every reason to continually believe in my partners when everyone was telling me not to.
I’ve never known if my significant others were scared to lose me just like I was scared to lose them. It’s always been one big guessing game. “Do they really want to see me, or are they just saying ‘yes’ because they hope to keep me around a little longer until they’re done with me?” “Would they be upset if something happened to me on my way home?” “Would they miss me?”
I’ve never had someone reassure me when I desperately needed it and made me entirely feel secure in our relationship. To be honest, I’ve never actually felt confident in someone else’s words because every time I have, I find out weeks later that they’ve lied to me when they change their mind or the truth comes out.
I’ve never had someone value me the way I’ve valued them. They’ve never put as much effort into seeing me, showing initiative, or even seeming to care. It’s always been me giving my all and exhausting myself, only to not receive it in return. They probably didn’t even notice how much I cared or gave in our relationship.
I’ve given every ounce of effort, only to be rejected and left feeling embarrassed for giving them my time and especially my heart.
It’s a tough pill to swallow; that no matter how well you treat somebody, it doesn’t mean they are going to be good to you, too. That’s how life is, and you just have to move on and pretend that the heartbreak and betrayal never hurt you. Feeling unloved humbles you, makes you appreciate people who actually care about you, and forces you to change your perspective on things. Heartbreak might break you, but it’ll help you grow even more in the long run.