You Made It Impossible For Me To Stop Living In The Past

It’s hard to constantly be reminded of you and expected to go on in life as if you didn’t exist, or as if we didn’t have a history. Everywhere I walk, I am on a path of nostalgia and find myself carefully replaying a scene from what feels like an old film I’ve watched hundreds of times.

I’ve tried my hardest to escape the trap you unintentionally created for me, to keep you still in my mind. And, after months of fighting this internal battle, I learned I couldn’t resist, so I just had to accept the situation and get over it.

The memories I remember the most were the ones where my heart felt full, I felt alive and I was genuinely happy. I then have to remind myself of the times when I was miserable, couldn’t trust you and was left heartbroken and alone. Those dark times should replace the good, but I don’t know why they can’t.

I know what your smile looks like when you’ve forgotten the world around you and are enjoying yourself, and I know what your genuine laugh sounds like. I know affectionate you are and how to determine if you’re comfortable. I know a side of you the rest of the world doesn’t, and I have memorized it after all of the turbulence in our lives.

When you left for what I thought was the final time, (but it turned out to be the first of many), you left me hungry, craving for more. You’d still give me crumbs of affection, or snack breaks here and there, and you had me wanting to indulge badly after giving me a taste. With each kiss, caress, whisper or conversation, there was an urge for more. Luckily you were only a binge diet.

And while I should constantly be aware by your absence, I know you aren’t gone, even if we keep saying goodbye. You always come back, our paths always cross or we never really leave. You’re always there, but I don’t know how.

I had to teach myself to slowly stop wanting you, and after a very long time of trying, I was successful. How can anyone move on from someone when they are still very active or present in your life? It’s difficult, but I moved on from you, all while still having numerous encounters with you.

It’s impossible to say goodbye when I know you’ll never leave.

While our friends share a common hope of a future between us, I know it’s unlikely to happen because of the history we’ve had. But I no longer get upset listening to songs we’d listen to together and my stomach doesn’t drop when I see you in public, which happens at least once a week.

The romantic trust might have been broken, and I still fear the damage you could do to my heart if feelings did develop for you again, but I’m proud to say that after the hardships, we made it through. I didn’t think it was possible to get over you, but I was forced to for the sake of our circumstances, which turned out to be the best thing for me.

I don’t have to live my life in fear that I will see you and let it destroy me, and I don’t have to avoid going to certain gatherings out of fear you’ll be there. I can live my life peacefully, be civil when our paths do cross and not let anything bug me. Dwelling on our past was too unhealthy for me.

Allowing myself to be your friend was one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done, but the reward of a peaceful life where I don’t have to hide feelings anymore was worth it. We’ve always been dysfunctional, but there’s always been an undeniable love and comfort we provide each other and a mutual respect that can’t be broken.  

Featured image via Pexels

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