There are so many articles that tell you what it is like to find the one in a world where our generation seems to lack commitment and love. But not many tell you what it is like to find the one, only to lose them. No one tells you what it’s like to fall in love, only to have it snatched away from you. I was a hopeless romantic, one that felt like a misfit in a society that thrived on one-night-stands and hookups. And when I found the person that fell in love with not just parts of me, but all of me, I found myself believing in a kind of love that I once read in books and saw in movies. And thinking back, I didn’t realize that I would find such a love that consumed me. That would open me up to the future of possibilities, and lead me to believe again. I fell in love, forgetting about all the rules I gave myself. I fell in love forgetting that I should have used my mind as well, instead of just listening to my heart. I fell in love and now, I don’t know where to even start picking up the pieces that once resembled me.
Falling in love with him took only a moment, and losing him, another. The hardest part about losing him is that, like everything in my life, I never saw it coming. And I know that I’ll never find the closure I need to move on. No matter how hard I try, I will always find myself laying in bed, crying and holding onto my pillow, clinging desperately to the promises he once made me. To the words, he once said to me, and to the way he once loved me. And when the missing and pain become so overwhelming, I take out a piece of stationery and I write to him. I write to him about his contagious smile that always made me go weak in the knees. I write to him about his lashes that made every girl envious, and his eyes, overflowing with love and warmth, like a thousand comfy sweaters. And mostly, I write how much I miss him, how much I wish I could just hear his voice once more time, or hear him laugh just once more. I wish that I could have seen him just once before he disappeared from my life.
Months have passed, but yet the wound still feels raw. The memories are starting to fade, but the pain is still there. He is a scar that will never fade because he has become a part of me for eternity. He is forever etched in mind, and I find myself thinking about him in the most mundane tasks and all the ups and downs of my life. In the rare moments, I feel a breeze of happiness, I find myself picking up my phone and dialing his number. Only to remember halfway through that he’s gone. That no matter how many times I call, he’ll never be there to answer. And so I take out another piece of stationery. And I write to him everything I wish I could tell him. As the tears flow down, I pour my heart onto the page, hoping that wherever he is, he can see the words flowing onto these pages, and feel the love, pain, and loneliness streaming from my words.
I know that no matter how many letters I write to him, I will never get a letter back. But even knowing that I can’t help but keep writing because it is the only way I know how to cope. And on those days where I feel a bit stronger, I open that box tucked away in my closet that holds the hundreds of letters I’ve written to him since he’s been gone. And I read each one. Some of them make me laugh because of how foolish I am, and others make me cry because they remind me of how much I miss him, how much I love him, and that I will never find anyone who was as amazing and loving as he was. The tears that stream down my face like a steadily flowing river, a constant reminder that I no longer know what it feels like to be happy. Because losing him, meant I had lost myself.
Our anniversary was a couple days ago. And I wrote him a poem. I know that he will never get to see it, but I hope that wherever he is, he knows that I still love him. And that I will keep loving him, carrying a part of him with me wherever I go. He was my best friend and my best half. He was the one, and despite having lost him, I know that our love still exists around me, in the stars that decorate the night sky, in the soft breezes of the wind, and in the miracles that happen around me. I may not have been fortunate to call him mine for long in this lifetime, but I know that he will be mine for every lifetime to come. No matter how long or short our time together is, I will never stop finding my way back to him.
You are there, and I am here.
But why aren’t we together?
So much left unsaid,
That I can’t comprehend
How do I live without you
Neither you, nor I
Have done any wrong
But still why, are we not together?
If I love you and you love me
Why can’t you be here with me?
And if my heart still belongs to you, and yours to I
Then why are we saying goodbye.
I’m fighting your memories,
Battling with myself
As my world falls apart
This journey should have been ours,
But now it’s just mine
You are there, and I am here.
So please take me where ever you are
Because here I am, with nowhere to go
Begging and pleading
For you to stay with me.
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