It seems pretty unbelievable to me that it’s almost that time of year; the anniversary of your death. I remember how I used to sit high on your shoulders, thinking that I was on top of the world. If I could turn back time, I would tell you just how much I loved knowing you were there to catch me if I ever were to fall.
I miss a lot of things, but mostly just knowing you were there. You were someone that gave me the world when I sometimes failed to recognize the importance you had in my life. The saying is true, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. I wish I could go back and reply to your messages faster, tell you how much I love you, and see your face one more time.
I’m not one to believe too much in ghosts and that sort of thing, but I think you’re around some days. When I contemplated if university was worth the stress, I could hear your voice telling me it would all work itself out the way you always would when things weren’t going so well. I smell your cologne on strangers when they pass by, and it’s those subtle reminders that send me down memory lane.
You always made sure I was happy, and I’ll never forget how you only ever wanted the best for me. You would tease me about boys and I wish you would be able to be at my wedding. You called me a princess, and now it’s no wonder I smile but also feel like crying whenever I’m called that. You were one of the few people who honestly believed I could do no wrong, and it pains me to know I won’t hear you call my name anymore.
I still think of you a lot and realize how lucky I am that I had you in my life. I’m reminded of you in the simplest of things. When I first unpacked my old baseball glove in my new apartment I remembered how you took me to my first baseball game. I laugh whenever I think about how you wanted me to take the selfies because you didn’t know the “right angles”. I remember how you loved seeing me in my prom dress, taking pictures and posting them on your Facebook page with endearing captions.
I’m not going to lie to you though, I’m still mad. I’m mad that I took your presence for granted. I’m mad that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I’m mad that there was no warning. I’m mad that of all people, it was you who had complications with a routine surgery. It’s not fair, and I’m sorry that it’s been another year of me being angry about the things that I can’t change.
I want to thank you for the unconditional support you gave me, and I hope you know how much you mean to me. I cannot wait until I can see you again. I know you’re up there singing songs and admiring my every move; I hope I’m still making you proud. I miss you more than words are able to express.
Featured Image via Rupi Kaur