Why Costco Is The Only Boyfriend You’ll Ever Need

Costco is a forever kind of love. The excitement I feel walking into that industrial maze of a building is incomparable. The feeling of sheer thrill that you could get lost for hours in the unnumbered and randomly assorted aisles and knowing sometimes it’ll be by choice, but most times, it’ll be by force.

Flashing my *mom’s* Costco card at the entrance feels… right. It reminds me I’m a part of something bigger than myself.

Costco accepts me in gym clothes and runners. Costco knows when I need 6 party size bags of Lay’s chips for my last minute Saturday night pre. Costco knows I shouldn’t be a bitch ass and buy plebeian blocks of cheese at the grocery store when I can buy a 5-pound hunk of smoked cheddar for half the price; I’ll know that smoked cheddar will taste amazing.

How will I know?

I’ll know because I tried a sample of it, from a tiny lady in an industrial strength apron. She’ll be wheeling and dealing those samples to anxious customers, presenting the chunks of cheddar in tiny white cupcake wrappers on the platter in front of her. They’ll disappear as quickly they’re presented. I’ll send my mom over to grab me another.

“Quickly!” I’ll whisper.

After fuelling my body, I’ll head over to boutique de Costco, where one can find clothing for any event. Pajama party? No problem. A casual BBQ? Yep. A formal job interview? Ahuh. A boudoir photo shoot? You betcha.

Costco is great because it makes you reconsider what it means to buy in bulk. Do I need 500 Tylenol capsules? 300 ‘Sleep Rite’ breathing aids? 1000 condoms? 5 bottles of KY Jelly?

“No,” you tell yourself, as your self-control kicks in just enough to not make any rash bulk decisions.

The long checkout lines face the Costco cafe, where one constantly fights the urge to buy 5 footlong hotdogs and fries just because it’s so.damn.cheap! Their soft serve sundaes rival that of the Dairy Queen, which needless to say, is a bold statement.

I won’t lie to you, leaving Costco is always a somber experience.

Departing one of the happiest places on earth is never easy, but knowing I’ll always have Costco as a safe haven to deal with life’s ups and downs provides comfort, as the automatic doors close behind me. Costco knows, should I fall, there will always be a kind sample lady in a hairnet to catch me and feed me chocolate covered almond samples; which is all the comfort I’ll need in this lifetime.

Featured image via Cleyton Ewerton on Unsplash


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