Why I Hold You Personally Responsible For What I’ve Become

I hate the person you made me become.

Every time you come back, I question the person I turn into. I know that I can do it on my own, but the moment you come back, I fall weak at the knees. I am attracted to attention. I believe your lies. I dream up everything that could be. And then I watch you run.

Is it madness to fall back into our old patterns and expect something different or is it just a hopeless optimism with her head too high in the clouds? Is it crazy to believe one time it will be different or is it romantic to think that you have just realized the error in your ways? Is it tragic that I fall into your trap whenever you wish or romantic that I am holding out for you at all times?

I am blinded by what could be because you have changed me in an uncolorful, painful, ugly way. I am blinded by cause and effect because I am afraid to see what is in front of me. I am blinded by what you have added to my life because I am always searching for that one good thing that is there inside of you. You have made me…

Hate. Forcefully, but not by choice. Myself. For letting you back in every single time. My choices. For letting myself believe that this time it will be different. You. Because you know that I will always fall back into your ways, no questions asked and no guarantees.

Drink. A lot, but I never did before you. To cope. With life and your mind games. To celebrate. All the times that you are gone and I thought that I had made it through. To live. Because you are the one that taught my how to drink to get by, no matter what the situation.

Question. Nervously, but not because I want to. Myself. Is there something wrong with me? Your choices. Why do you only make me an option? Why am I not important to you? My choices. What is wrong with me? Why do I let you affect me in such a way?

Judge. Not by choice, but because you do. You. Because you will always choose others over me. Others. Because of the way they look at me for sticking around. What you made me become. Because I should have been stronger than the person you made me become.

Lie. Not because I want to, but what other choice do I have? To others. Because I always have to stand up for you, even though they know who you really are. To you. Because I will always want more than what we have, but you will never accept that. To myself. Because I was a better person before you turned my world upside down, but I am afraid to let you go.

At the end of the day, I don’t want to be this person. Who gives into a man every time he calls? Who rearranges her life for a man? Who doesn’t compromise, but just gives into whatever he says? Who hates the sight of herself in the mirror? Who questions the person that she became? Who drinks to forget the pain? Who has to lie to herself to forget that you were the one that changed her? Who forgets everything she was before the twister that was you?

I hate the person you made me become.

Featured image via Wayne Fotografias on Pexels


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