You ever feel like you’re tainted from life’s experiences? You try to resist and ward off those evil temptations, but eventually, you cave. You give in. You give up. You give yourself what you’ve been desperately trying to avoid.
I used to be good. Innocent even. I considered myself a good person. No matter what devastations happened, no matter what obstacles I’ve been faced with, no matter what loss I have endured, or the heartaches that I somehow managed to nurse back to health, I’m constantly trying to look on the bright side of things. I try to be resilient, I try to rise to the occasion and show the universe what I’m made of. But after awhile, it becomes unbearable to keep pretending. To pretend you’re okay. To pretend you’re not hurting. To pretend to smile through the pain. To pretend your heart isn’t aching with intense agony.
I’ve avoided the “feeling” part because it’s much easier to come out looking unaffected, unharmed.
I used to be untouched, untainted, free, and full of love. But you grow up and you become consumed by all these tragedies and losses that completely corrupt who you are. So now, I feel used. I feel damaged. I feel alone. I feel washed up. I feel drained with a lifetime of negative experiences, constant worry, and anxiety and yet here I am, writing this, at twenty-two years old. I’m covered in darkness, guilt, and fear.
Some days I find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings. I’m constantly looking for a reason to make it through another day, and even then… I feel like I’m always coming up short.
I feel broken. I feel like I’m waking up, trying to find another piece of me worth holding on to. Worth admiring. Worth loving. But then, I find reasons to let it go. I fall asleep and I wake up again hoping there is something I can find to appreciate about myself, just for another day.
But the days seem to be blending into one; they’re getting darker and I see myself spiraling towards a pit of sheer blackness. Even though I’m awake and breathing, I feel like a corpse wandering through life, completely lost and utterly alone.
But the thing is, I’m not alone. I see things with my eyes every day, I’m holding conversations with people, I can feel my face tighten when I smile and I can feel my chest expand and collapse as I breathe, so I know I’m alive. I know I’m breathing.
So why is it I feel like I’m dying?