Ladies, you know the struggle. I got my period right before heading to the cottage for the long weekend and was like f*ck this, I want to rock my bikini all day without any worries… how do I get rid of it ASAP?
So naturally, I googled.
For a bit of background, yes I’m on the pill, but no I couldn’t just skip my placebos and keep going. I had just gotten back from a month-long trip backpacking Europe where remembering to take my pill on time wasn’t exactly the top priority. My period was early, and thus, our sad agonizing story begins.
Most places I searched mentioned that lemons and Ibuprofen (Advil) work best. Now there was tons of information out there, with very little to no scientific research backing it up. But you can bet your bottom dollar that I DIDN’T try some of the sketchy urban trends, like drugs only sold in the UK, rubbing your belly with certain oils, drinking excessive amounts of water, and drinking gelatin (came close to trying this one, but it kinda just sounded like unneeded calories?)
So to all of my medical professional friends and family, I am so sorry. But I ran to the grocery store and bought 32 LEMONS. Then I ran home cut one up and it was moldy. FML. I had 5 minutes until the store was closing and I was leaving for my trip the next morning at 7 AM, so needless to say I was like F*CK and ran back and exchanged them. I’m sure every cashier at this grocery store was looking at me like “Why the f*ck does this girl need so many lemons so urgently?” but I figured I’d leave it up to their imagination. While I was back at the grocery store, I figured I could grab some Advil (or if you’re cheap like me, no-name Ibuprofen) from the pharmacy which just so happened to be closing up for the night.
Looking like a sad puppy about to get sent to the pound, I begged the lady to get me some Advil “for my throbbing headache.” So she gracefully opened up the cupboard for me and STOOD THERE WATCHING ME. Now man, I don’t take drugs for anything, ever. Like I’m the kind of girl who would way rather just suffer through the headache then know the difference between Tylenol and Advil. So I’m staring blankly at this big shelf wondering “Hm which one of these stupid pills is strong enough to end the wild massacre happening in my lady parts right now?”
I ended up grabbing the $9.99 sale pack, thinking YOLO this better work. Anyway, I got home that evening, and being me (the anti-drug lord), I decided to test out the “natural” remedy (as if any of this was really natural.) I ate A LOT of lemons, nommed on some, put others in my water and hey, it thinned out my period so I barely had it. But it wasn’t quite gone yet and I’ll admit, even pairing it with some tequila, it was a lot of work to maintain.
So next method was Ibuprofen and that worked soooo well, like f*cking really good. So I kept taking them. But the issue here was that I was drinking (Tylenol is the one that causes liver damage, I’m not a crazy person even though this isn’t the safest route to go about things) so I GOT HELLA DRUNK.
Then, I LITERALLY DIED. Like I thought I could see the light, and I disappeared drunk into the night. My boyfriend found me in the fetal position, groaning on the dock at the cottage at 2 AM in the rain. I was laying in this little square dry patch whining “this was the only dry place to lay.”
I then wasted the rest of the trip sick in bed trying to figure out if I was hungover or on my way straight to the gates of hell. Moral of the story? Don’t test your body. Your period is a part of you, so just live it up or cancel your life for a few days. AUNT FLO AIN’T GOING NOWHERE.
Featured image via Cairo Dwek.