From the strategic masterminds playing for the prize money to the emotional wrecks crying in the confessionals, welcome to my faux Netflix pitch, Stars in Paradise: Zodiac Island. I have oh so officially cast all 12 zodiac signs into their definitive reality TV tropes so let’s meet the contestants.
Aries
First off, we have Aries. Ruled by Mars, the god of war, Aries can be combustible. Aries are too hot to handle, a Traitor, and do not do slow burns. They provide dramatic screaming for the trailers. They are pure, unfiltered reactions and will one hundred percent be back on a reunion or as an all-star.
Taurus
As an earth zodiac sign, Taurus appreciates luxury and fine dining. Taurus is wrapped in a luxurious faux fur, on their 4th solid gold goblet of dear heavens what I hope is water, and mournfully looking at the appetizers that went airborne when the tables got flipped with visible devastation. Taurus will go on to create a new series, Love Is Blind: Taste Test because in their confessional they will indeed admit they thought it was a baking show, not a dating show.
Gemini
Gemini is the one running between two rival alliances, telling both sides exactly what the other said “just to be helpful.” Their talking-head confessionals are pure gold, full of breaking the fourth wall and chaotic commentary.
Cancer
Cancers feel deeply. Except they feel all the things. Deeply. They will fall in love, feel heartache, feel betrayal, and circle back before an ad break. Their confessionals are meme gold and rumor is that L’Oreal has them inked in for a waterproof mascara ad.
Leo
Leos shine and they know it. Though main characters are primarily people and thus personified by default, leos are the personification of main character energy. Leo has a big island energy. They love the spotlight and attention. Leo knows where the cameras are and will be as shocked as the rest of America when they are voted off by Scorpio’s eleventh hour vote.
Virgo
Though I am unsure the legality of it, I would presume that filming total strangers in isolated White Lotus-esque villas you have stocked with a plethora of adult beverages and hidden cameras would lend itself to having a lot of rulebooks and contracts. And Virgo? She has read every single one, calculated her alliances via spreadsheets, and will in fact get Aries eliminated because of Rule 359, paragraph B, line Z23.
Libra
Libra is an eldest daughter that had to mediate family meetings at some point. Libra will spend much of their tenure sitting at the bar with a group of fellow island mates, whispering about the drama Sagittarius and Pisces have caused, but most of their phrases are, “I could see where Sagittarius wanted to go ziplining from the mast of the Black Pearl, but Pisces shouldn’t have invited themselves…”
Scorpio
While Aries is indeed not here to make friends, Scorpio is right there, brooding in wait. They are quiet, calculating, and the ultimate dark horse. Scorpio’s existence will give you trust issues for years to come. Scorpio didn’t ask about your childhood to bond, they did it as an act of surveillance.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius may be motivated by love or money, but they came for an adventure. In Truth or Dare, they choose dare every time. Sagittarius’ tenure on Ultimatum in Paradise will end with dramatic music, sirens, and the screen flashing “36 Hours Earlier…” as well as a new addendum to the rulebook Virgo is writing for the producers.
Capricorn
Capricorns are ambitious and pragmatic zodiac signs. Eyes on the prize. They know the only way to win their fiance back from the clutches of Nick Lachey is to play the long game – they understand the only way to keep from being eliminated is to treat this like the competition it is. Scorpio and Capricorn didn’t come to make friends, but whereas Scorpio’s is personal, Capricorn’s is business.
Aquarius
Aquarius is eccentric, independent, and highly intelligent. Inspired by a TikTok rabbit hole about Nellie Bly, Aquarius isn’t actually on the island for Traitors in Paradise. Fancying themselves a digital citizen journalist, they are undercover to expose the inhumane living conditions that reality show contestants live in.
Pisces
…oh, Pisces. They are a fragile, beautiful disaster. They somehow issued the ultimatum but decided they weren’t ready for marriage, and when they broke up with their better half slightly off-camera, endless tears were still shed. Pisces may be in paradise, but they miss their mom, they miss their cat. Pisces will leave the season of their own accord under the guise of protecting their peace, but be on the lookout for their podcast tell all the following week.
So, pack your bags and hand over your cell phones, because the ultimate crossover event has just arrived!
Featured image via CardMapr.nl on Unsplash
