In the early stages of any relationship, two concepts can appear similar but function differently when it comes to long-term success. The first is the high-intensity emotions that are almost always felt at the start. We meet someone new, like them, and they like us… a lot. We end up in a space where our brains are flooded with dopamine from intense gestures, passion, and affirming words, activating the brain’s reward system.
But this can quickly become what I like to call the dopamine loop. The high-intensity relationship provides so much of it that it becomes addictive. When things are good, the feelings are almost euphoric. However, euphoria quickly shifts to devastation when things go wrong. These dramatic, unpredictable relationships can make healthier, more stable connections feel boring or not quite right. Here’s how we can recognize the dopamine loop.
1. Consider the pace.
When we’re engaging with new connections that feel more like a whirlwind than something stable, the pace is often rapid. You could use the common phrase “love at first sight” to get a sense of what the beginning of these relationships could look like. We may be experiencing love bombing and mirroring. Both of these can be used maliciously or, at times, unintentionally due to insecurities, to gain control over someone.
A healthier connection is built gradually on self-discovery and trust.
2. Consider the focus.
It’s easy to get wrapped up in those moments of passion. We don’t want this to end. When there’s a pattern of highs and lows, we may start expecting certain behaviors from our partners to ensure we experience the preferred high. We become focused on how they make us feel and spend less time considering how we make them feel or the other relationships in our lives.
A healthier connection considers how they feel and how they make others feel.
3. Consider the stability.
We’ve mentioned the highs and lows in these kinds of connections. They become volatile easily, and rapid, often constant shifts cause significant distress and overwhelm the desire to fix or neutralize the perceived threat of losing this connection. These events recur, undermining the relationship’s stability.
A healthier connection will feel consistent and calming.
4. Consider where it all started.
Dopamine loop connections are usually rooted in anxiety or “the chase”. If you already know your attachment style is anxious, you’re probably familiar with the urgency to “win” this person over. If being with this individual feels emotionally necessary to you, the connection is rooted in insecurity, not in curiosity to get to know someone.
Shared values and consistent, reciprocal intimacy and effort will foster a healthier dynamic.
There’s no fault or guilt to be had if you recognize some of your behaviors here. These dynamics happen, and we can all behave in relationships, or even accept poor behavior in our relationships, in an effort to keep things from going anywhere. Those fireworks we’ve all heard about and those Hollywood movies that tell us that love is complicated and tumultuous are not what we should be listening to. As exciting and passionate as it feels, it lacks the stability and emotional safety that a relationship should have. A healthy connection feels like a calming tide–something slow, reassuring, and consistent. You deserve it.
Featured image via Edward Eyer on Pexels
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