If I’m Being Honest, I Never Actually Deserved You

The world is crumbling beneath my feet; I can sense that you are leaving and may never return. We’ve been drifting apart for quite some time, yet I never stopped to care. Although I thought you’d always be around and never dreamed that you would ever break away from my side, I’m realizing that maybe, just maybe, our entire relationship was a facade. In fact, the more I think about it, I never actually deserved you.

If I’m being honest, I never deserved your humor or your wit. 

You have this way with words that leaves everyone in stitches, yet I usually just scoff at your jokes and playful jabs. No matter how many times I rolled my eyes or insisted life was too depressing to ever laugh, you continued to deliver one-liners. You would always find moments of hilarity even in the most depressing times.

But when you needed a quick laugh to dry up your tears or ease your anxiety, I focused on the negatives and never helped you laugh or even distract. Instead of helping you see the silver linings, I reminded you how crappy life could be. I pulled myself up by dragging you down, and eventually, you swam away just to avoid drowning.

If I’m being honest, I never deserved your protection and concern. 

You cared so much about me and never wanted to see me hurt. You devoted yourself to protecting me entirely from both the outside world and myself — even though it was exhausting and often in vain. 

But even with you tirelessly protecting me around the clock, I still found ways to sabotage it all and dive straight into danger. You’d rescue me from drowning only to find me right back in the water within a moment because I never seemed to care. I ignored your life vest and continued to act helpless and alone even though you were always there to save me.

If I’m being honest, I never deserved your selfless resolve and unconditional love. 

You provided countless pieces of advice, yet I never used them. No matter when I reached out to you, you tried your hardest to be around, even in times of crisis. 

But when you sat in despair during your darkest hours, I was nowhere to be found. Instead of making sure our relationship always felt like a two-way street, I selfishly plowed onward towards the dreams I held for myself. I didn’t realize it at the time, but now I see just how little of your love and energy I genuinely deserved to receive.

If I’m being honest, I never deserved your second chances — even when you gave them time and time again. 

No matter how many times I messed up or left you out to dry, you welcomed me back with open arms and a loving grin. You looked past my many flaws and countless indiscretions like they were just insignificant mistakes, even though I could tell they rattled you to your core.

But even after all of my apologies and half-hearted attempts at reconciliation, I continuously let you down and took our relationship for granted. I never showed you what you truly meant to me, but instead I used you and abused you because I thought that you’d always be around.

If I’m being honest, I never deserved you. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. 

I don’t know why you still care at all (or if you even should). I know it’s taken me entirely too long to realize just how wonderful you really are and cherish all that we had, but I’d like to make it up to you if you’ll let me (and if you’ll trust that I can). 

But no matter what happens or what you ultimately decide, I now know that I never deserved you… and I probably never will.

Previously Published on Thought Catalog

Feature Image via Pexels


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