I am tired. No, I’m not just tired… I feel exhausted.
I literally feel so exhausted. This past year has put me through absolute hell. I feel completely drained, and I honestly feel like I can’t take it anymore. I’m tired.
I’m tired of putting on a smile and acting like everything’s OK. I feel so tired of holding back tears. Of telling those around me that I’m fine while my eyes are watering. I’m tired of not being myself and putting on a show for those around me.
Yes, I’m strong, but I am also so damn tired of being the strongest I can.
I’ve never asked to be the “strongest one.” I never asked to be the one who must hold it all together while the world crumbles. But my parents raised me to be that person. My parents raised me to listen to everyone else’s problems while I put my own on the back burner. But now I’ve reached the point where I’m so sick and tired of dealing with everyone else’s problems and wiping away their tears.
However, will someone ever do the same for me?
Being known as the “strong one” is a blessing and a curse. People know that you’ll remain calm in a disaster. You hold back the tears and smile even when everyone around you would understand if you broke down. But the thing is that you’ll hide away your feelings and push them down further and further until you think they’re no longer there. But they are and then you finally hit your breaking point.
And that’s where I am right now.
I’ve hit my breaking point.
I’ve gone into the bathroom and sobbed my eyes out, then walked out with my eyes red, and mascara smeared underneath my eyes, and then I smiled and said “yeah, I’m totally fine” and continued on my way.
That was when I realized that the strongest people are usually the ones who need someone to turn to the most.
It’s not good to keep up a brave face towards those around you. If you don’t let them in, no one is going to understand that you’re hurting, and no one is going to see the pain you are feeling.
I think we don’t let people because we worry that once someone sees our vulnerability, they will no longer see our strength. Instead, we feel ashamed when people see a moment of weakness, so we keep our pain to ourselves.
But I think it’s not a weakness to need someone; it’s a strength.
We all want someone to hold our hands and hug us tightly to let us know that everything is going to be OK. We all need love and care, and that never makes us a weak person.
So yes, continue to be strong. Because it’s what you do and it really is admirable. But make sure that you don’t let that pride of being strong stop you from turning to your loved ones when you need to.
Photo by Vince Fleming on Unsplash