I am slowly learning to save myself.
I drown in a sea of emotion as the undertow drags me deeper into the weight of an unfathomable pain. My heart treads to stay afloat, fighting against the jarring current with all my strength as the waves whip me in the wake of the storm. Thunder penetrates the night sky. I gradually feel the frigid water encapsulate me as I struggle to save myself. I gasp for breath, wishing for serenity.
Give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change. Give me the strength to save myself from the wreckage.
I desperately wish for a boy, a lifeline, a bystander to pull me to shore. I long for someone to hold me as I cry, to soothe me, to validate me, to alleviate my fears. But, as I struggle to stay afloat, as my strength dissipates, as I begin to slip under, I discover that I am completely alone in the midst of the storm. I scream; a roaring, guttural shout that shakes me to my core, but the thunder envelops my voice, robbing me of any chance of rescue.
No one can save me but myself.
I’m slowly learning to guide myself through the storms, even as the waves thrash and crash, threatening to drown me. I am discovering the impact of self-reliance as I navigate through my emotional turmoil. I am realizing that I carry a powerful inherent strength, an indomitable spirit that can weather any struggle.
I’m slowly learning to validate myself in the wake of the waves, to recognize that even as I find myself sinking, I am capable of pulling myself to shore. I am beginning to fully understand the true extent of my abilities, the beauty of no longer relying on others to determine my worth. I am relishing in relieving myself of my insecurities, of practicing self-love and self-praise.
I’m slowly learning to be my own harbor, to discover rescue and solace deep within my soul. I am striving to make peace with the torrent of emotions that consumes me. I’m beginning to feel secure and loved. I am learning to lead myself to safety as the gusty current lures me deeper into the pain. I’m realizing that even in my darkest moments, I possess the inherent, internal resilience to pull myself to shore.
I am slowly learning to marvel over the storms I’ve weathered myself.
I’ve survived the waves without a buoy, without a lifeline, without a bystander to pull me to shore. I’m recognizing that the purest self-preservation lies in embracing every moment of struggle, every unpleasant emotion, every desire to sink — without allowing others to save me. I’m gradually teaching myself the beauty of constantly holding myself above water, even though my hope for a rescuer is overpowering.
I am constantly committing to my sense of self-preservation, even as I wonder how much longer I can withstand the coarse tides alone. I feel my strength dwindling as the waves threaten to wash me away. However, even as the prospect of rescue wanes, I am still treading.
My head is above water; my heart is at peace.
Previously published on Thought Catalog.
Photo by joshua yu on Unsplash