Grief is a tricky emotion. It can completely rip your day apart and come at the most unexpected times. Grief can also piece together the same day into something more beautiful than you could ever imagine moments later.
Today, I felt those two extremes of grief. Grief is a part of my everyday life now, but today I felt both extreme happiness and intense sadness. Three people provided advice and comfort without even realizing, though.
This morning, I had a strong desire to express some feelings that have overwhelmed me these past few months. I received news that someone else close to me had a medical emergency. After losing quite a few friends and family this year, grief has taught me that there is no end or order to these emotions. They keep occurring because sometimes the love and appreciation we have for people has no other way to be expressed.
I first felt intense guilt when I realized another medical emergency occurred to someone who means a lot to me. I felt guilty after finding out about this situation. After all, grief has a way of guilting people into believing it is their job to protect their loved ones.
Secondly, I felt intense sadness as I realized that some of my loved ones were no longer here to see me finish some major milestones. Because some of my friends and family passed on before these adventures become complete, I feared that I could no longer tell them about my struggles or accomplishments.
I tried to brush off this round of grief, though, because I was in class. I needed to be strong enough to finally sail through a semester without visible heartache. People are counting on me to graduate in a positive light.
I started to see things differently after reading some advice from a friend. She said, “For the first time in years, I read my writing aloud to someone… now, I feel lighter and they want a copy to keep. Do the scary thing, y’all. You won’t regret it.”
Another person that is dear to me knew how I was feeling and indicated that I can still tell my loved ones about my days because although it is not possible to pick up the phone and call them anymore, she knows they are still listening.
Finally, after a classmate learned that I’m a writer, she said, “Writing is a healthy medium to express and release the creativity inside of us, and I commend you for lending that talent to those who don’t possess it.”
Suddenly, I realized the importance of putting a physical voice to my feelings instead of merely expressing them in silence. Though it was hard to express out loud, I talked through my feelings and fears of loss surrounding people I love dearly. Of course, I felt out of place, but it helped me start to process my feelings in a new way. I also saw beauty in the fact that my experiences still mean something to everyone I come across. The feeling of meaning something to those you come in contact with gives off a value that only happiness can obtain.
Today, as I sat in front of my computer, I realized the truth and value our feelings hold. Today, I realized the impact of your story; I realized the importance of being strong, but true to my emotions. Never stop talking about the loved ones you are grieving. Some moments may feel harder than others, but in the end, talking helps us find freedom through processing emotions. We can never love and appreciate people too much.