I have been trying to write this for a while. I have been sitting at my desk, day in and day out, trying to come up with a good lead for this article. Suffice to say, I can’t. I just sit there either browsing aimlessly on my laptop or just staring at a blank document. I can’t seem to come up with the best way to tell you this without sounding too sympathetic or come off as too insensitive. But I guess I have to start somewhere, so let’s go with the truth.
Here’s the jist: a couple of months ago, I matched with a boy on Tinder (yes, I was on it like every other girl, no big deal). We talked for a month and I’m not going to lie, we immediately hit it off. We had the same taste in music, we had endless talks on Kanye, Eminem, and Drake; the same views on sex and relationships, like how sex is just sex and that being young is meant for exploration, and not being tied down to a relationship that we’re all too immature to understand or handle. I liked him and I was pretty sure he liked me back.
But one night, he told me a big no-no in my books: he had a girlfriend. I couldn’t believe it, so I asked if he was lying and he said he wasn’t. They had been dating for a while. Confused and shocked, I asked why was he on Tinder and why he was talking to me. He simply answered with “you got me hooked.” After that, we went on talking about how I don’t do being the “side chick.”
And that was the truth: I wasn’t into it. My mom was cheated on by my dad, and a lot of my friends have been cheated on by their significant others. I grew up not liking cheaters and their dishonesty. But, I don’t know what it was with him, maybe it was my rebellious phase talking, or maybe it was the whim of the moment; that I’ve finally found someone on Tinder that I actually liked talking to. But there was a part of me that wanted it to happen. And it did.
For a while, we talked and I have given him everything he wanted, which included sex. At the time, I liked the thrill, the chase this whole charade could offer. I loved how much attention he gave me; how much he craved for me.
But recently, I’ve realized that we’re bad people. What we have been doing was wrong and disrespectful and indecent. It was like one day a realization ball hit me right in the face, waking me up from this nightmare. I never wanted to turn out like this. I never wanted to be the “side chick,” to be that girl because no one likes that girl. No one respects that girl. I don’t even respect that girl. Hell, I don’t even respect myself for getting this low.
I have always been a feminist and I believed on sisterhood, but what I just did was wrong and it goes against my belief and moral system. I hate myself for allowing him to have the upper hand on my mind and heart, and for trying to camouflage a failing relationship. You know, he’s still talking to other girls beside me and his girlfriend? Yeah, that’s how much of an asshole he is.
What I’m really trying to do here is tell the truth and apologize. I apologize to every woman out there because I feel like I have let every one of you down. I apologize to my mother for growing up into the woman she loathed. I apologize to my sisters and girlfriends for being the woman that made you cry for months on end because your significant others decided to cheat on you with their side chicks. I apologize to her for hurting her without her even knowing it. Lastly, I apologize to myself for letting lust get the best of me and for letting fuckboys cloud my judgements.
I promise I will never do this again. I promise I will make wiser decisions. I promise I will uphold and respect sisterhood again because that’s all we can do–be there for each other, especially when incompetent men continuously try to bring us down. I promise to do better because I believe this is the lowest of the low for me. Never again will I be the side chick; never again will I let some fuckboy rule over my mind.