Every time my phone vibrates, every time it chimes or the screen lights up, the first thought running through my mind is that it’s you. I find myself hoping that your name will light up on my screen, as my cheeks burn a crimson red and my heart beats just slightly faster. A tingle runs down my spine and I tell myself to keep calm, after all, he’s just a person. But deep down I can’t keep calm. My insides are twisting and my thoughts racing.
And when I look down at my phone and see that it’s not you, I feel my heart breaking, from the never-ending hope that your name will pop up on my phone, and the never dulled pang of disappointment when I find that it’s not from you.
There are days where I just want to throw my phone across the room, days where I hug my pillow and sob into it. And even more days, where I all want, is to just hear your voice.
As I walk through campus, noticing all the happy couples sitting under the trees, I think back to how happy we were. But along the way, something changed. My depression became too much for you, and you stopped letting me in. You pushed me away until all you became was just a painful memory. And all I ever wanted was to be there for you. To assure you that in the end, everything would be okay. But you wouldn’t let me.
“You deserve better,” my friends tell me, and I keep hoping that you’ll prove them wrong, because no matter what, all I want is you.
The hardest part about all of this is realizing that even if I tried to walk away, no matter how slowly I go, you won’t run after me. And right now holding on hurts more than letting go.
I know that your life is a mess right now and that you are struggling too, but let me be there for you. Let me make you laugh when all you want to do is cry. Let me be the arms you run into for a hug, the ears that listen to whatever you need to talk about, and the heart that’s just aching to see you smile again. Just let me in please, that’s all I ask.
Featured image via WeHeartIt.