He seemed like the only one.
He seemed like the only person you could open up to, mentally connect to. He seemed like the only person who understood your favorite English puns. He seemed like the only person who could make you laugh like an idiot. He seemed like the only person who saw the strength in you and chose to challenge you to be greater than yourself. He was your partner, your best friend, your muse.
But no, he is not the only person.
You do have other choices, you just chose to push all of them away. You resent everyone, physically and emotionally; just because they do not talk with you, understand you, laugh with you like the one.
But dear me, this is ridiculous. How could you expect someone to be like him? The more you search for him, the deeper you will be trapped in the maze that you built under the impression of him.
You are counting time.
You were waiting, waiting for the chance to run into him again, waiting for the day that he finally changes his mind and text you again. But is it worth it all to waste your strength in counting time? Waiting for time to pass made you constrain yourself in that time period, be it 3 months or 3 years.
Waiting is something exhausting and frustrating because your mind is constantly haunted by the thought of the person, your mind can never perform 100% because at least 30% of your mind was stuck at the ‘waiting’ state.
Time will not fix your broken heart if you let time slip away like this.
Just like that snakes and ladder game, you took 10 steps forward to move on, but you were prepared to fall through the trapdoor and drop back the ladder base, back to where you first started. In that case, you will never win the snakes and ladder game.
You search for his footsteps everywhere.
Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn or sometimes even Googling his name. You tend to visit the places where you used to go on dates with him, familiar bars, cafes, parks where you both walked the dog together. You find yourself searching for his footsteps, craving for his updates because you could not bear the thoughts of not knowing what he was up to. You could not adjust yourself from the close intimate distance to your newfound stranger’s distance.
But the scariest thing is, when you finally found his footsteps, you hesitated, because you’re not ready to be haunted by the thoughts of him moving on. You are not ready to see the smile on his face, knowing that you are not the reason he smiles these days. It hurts your heart gently like the sting of jellyfish. Once it stings you, the prickling pain comes with a slight of burn, then it spreads throughout your entire body. Next thing you know, you collapse and lose all your strength. It makes you want to wrap yourself like a burrito on the bed because that’s how to make yourself feel better from this type of pain.
It’s always contradicting.
You wanted to know if you moved on faster than he did. If the breakup hurts you more than it did to him. You wanted to find out if the breakup broke him into pieces. But whatever answer it is, it hurts you anyway. Hearing him cry and grieve for you will not make you feel any less pain. You knew moving on was never a race, whoever’s the fastest wins a bucket of fried chicken? No.
But still, you wanted to know, even though the answer hurts you.
A constant battle between the heart and mind.
Your mind never seemed to get along with your heart, but your mind will always save the heart’s ass. Your mind is constantly paddling, keeping you floating; while your heart was weak and pulling you down like an anchor.
Self-control is all you need to keep your head up.
It’s about keeping that red runny nose, smudged mascara, and swollen eyes look in your shower. No drunk calls, emotional calls or accidental calls. Do not even try to borrow the phone from your friend just to listen to his familiar voice. Self-control is not letting someone’s action drag your self-worth to hell. Never doubt or question yourself if you did anything wrong. Never criticize your body features, your popularity on Instagram, or even your social status.
No matter how hard you try to prove your worth, it all will turn into waste. No point in doing that because who are you proving to when the audience has gone. If you achieve that body goal while expecting his response about your body transformation, you will very likely to be unhappy because you will never receive it. Why torture your body, or torment your mind, when all you need is to indulge in complete relaxation and the release of negativity.
You thought your heart was dead, you thought you could never love anymore.
First, it hurts like a sharp knife stabbed on the weakest part of your body, you went weak, you curled your body like a caterpillar as if it’s the safest position. Second, the prickling pain awakens your body like a cactus gave you a full body massage, the pain that shocked you and your emotions rise and fell like the tides that hit the shore. Third, you seem to be able to take the pain gently, like how you got bitten by a spider. It went numb.
You thought the pain killed every inch of your soul. You stayed numb, you closed all the windows and doors, you shut emotions out like as if it was their fault. You sink deeply into thoughts, thinking about the mistakes that you both made, chances that you did not take. You imprisoned yourself in the castle that you built to protect your fragile little heart. You feel lost touch with the world as if you’re no longer the citizen of cosmos. You see nothing in a crowd, hear nothing in a chaotic symphony.
It’s okay to sink yourself into a deep sea of sorrow, cry it out, shout it out, dance it out. It’s okay to take some time off, to get yourself back together. It’s okay to withdraw yourself to get some solitude, to heal your soul. But don’t forget to float back to the surface of the sea when you’re done fixing yourself.