I used to stare at my reflection in the mirror, to try to pinpoint what else I can change about myself: I already dyed my hair a shade lighter than before, have practiced toning down my voice, and lessened and accentuated certain details in myself hoping that by doing so, it would make him not want to leave.
I used to lie awake at nights, trying to decipher what made him change his mind. I’d blame my eager smile, or the color of my eyes. I used to list all the mistakes I must’ve made. I used to always want to ask him straightforwardly for answers, just so I could show him that I can be whatever he wants me to be.
I used to be the type of person who would want to conform into someone I am not to please people like him, until I was told one day that my smile no longer reaches my eyes. I can’t explain how, but that simple comment turned my life upside down, in such a way that it was the push I needed to wake up and see that I have to re-evaluate my priorities.
I have already spent a lot of time adjusting and changing bits and pieces of myself for people who don’t know how to appreciate me; I guess that simple remark made me realize the one important thing that I haven’t been acknowledging all along – I am important, too.
It may have taken me a long while to finally figure this out, but what matters is that I eventually did. I’ve also come to terms with the fact that when our significant other has a change of heart, we have to respect that and, most importantly, we have to respect ourselves enough to never beg and plead.
I am not saying that you should give up at the first sign of trouble; I am saying that you should know when to let go when the other person clearly has his/her hands wide open all along.
Now, I know your first heartbreak may have made you feel afraid of taking a chance again, but I urge you to slowly lower the walls you built and not to completely rid yourself of the one thing that causes you a euphoria like no other, only, this time, make sure you start with yourself first. So when the time comes that you’re brave enough to begin again, it’ll be easier for you to profess your love for them without removing yourself from the equation.
Tell him you love him and you love yourself, too, sufficient enough to have the confidence that you’ll be okay even if he goes away, because you know the right one will stay.
“I am mine, before I am ever anyone else’s.” – Nayyirah Waheed
Featured Image via Brandy Melville.