Aziz Ansari Lied To All Of Us About Online Dating

Did you know that one in every three relationships in the United States exist because of a dating website? Where did I find this crazy statistic?! Aziz Ansari told me in his book Modern Romance; A funny, educational history lesson on dating throughout the ages.

Modern Romance looks at how relationships have evolved over the years. From the way we initiate, maintain, and leave relationships, and how communication/technology have played a big part in how deal with them. With the way technology is progressing, it is forcing us become less personal and to hide behind a cell phone/computer in order to feel comfortable when we communicate. This eye-opening knowledge made me aware of the real reason why I am single; I haven’t tried looking for a man online!

I haven’t been the most open-minded person when it comes to online dating, but with positive reinforcement and a bottle of wine in hand, I began to look at my options. Tinder – been there, done that and I got tired of all the penis photos real quick. Christian Mingle – I am Christian, I like to mingle, but I will only join if I am guaranteed a man who looks like “Jesus” on The Walking Dead. eHarmony – I just don’t trust that old man who is trying way too hard to look like Bernie Sanders. And then there is Match.com. Lucky for me, Groupon had a Match.com “Singles Special” happening. $11 for a month full of online romance! At a discount like that, how could I resist?

Week One:

Mind set: Positive; Ready to find someone to ride off into the sunset with my new online love and dog to live happily ever after!

What I noticed: Appearance: Everyone lies, even with their picture next to it.  From the borderline obese to the insanely thin, everyone has an “athletic” body type. GREAT.

No one looks at the fine print: My profile says no way Jose (in a Michelle Tanner voice) to smoking, yet every man who had messaged me had what looks like an ashtray mouth with a cigarette hanging out. EW

Week Two:

Mind set: What fresh hell did I get myself into?

What I noticed:

Age range is a guideline: I had my profile set for 26-32. Not 59. A 59-year-old man, divorced and with a child that is older than me messaged me asking me out sometime because he wanted to “get in touch with his youth”. NO THANKS.

Distance is a guideline: – 50 mile radius max and that is being too generous. I live in Pennsylvania and a man in North Carolina messaged me that he wouldn’t mind driving up for a weekend to meet me. CREEPER.

Week Three:

Mindset: God bless. What has the world become?

What I noticed:

Proper grammar is optional: IT IS NOT THAT HARD TO FORM A FULL SENTENCE. I don’t know what you mean when you say I have a “beufil smil bae”. LOCATE A DICTIONARY.

Jobs are optional: Doesn’t matter what the job, even if it is somewhat illegal. A 27-year-old man messaged me saying, “I like that you went to college and have a job because I just do not want to work anymore.” NOT HAPPENING.

Week Four:

Mind set: I am a creeper magnet and I quit.

What I noticed:

Politics shouldn’t be brought up: Received a message that said I looked like someone who would like Hilary Clinton and he liked that. Perhaps because I am a woman, you thought I would be voting for a woman? GREAT ASSUMPTION – NEXT!

Marital status is now optional: A lovely gentleman asked if I would like to hang out with him on the weekends while his wife was busy at her second job. I QUIT.

In conclusion,

Aziz Ansari is a liar. I did not find endless love during my online dating experience. While I only spent a month on there and should invest more time before I come to a strict conclusion, I do not think online dating is my thing. I gave it a go, but I prefer to not waste anymore time or money to hear lies and ludicrous things from internet trolls. If I wanted to do that, I would still have a MySpace.

Featured image via Aziz Ansari

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