For as much experience as we have with talking, women are not always the best communicators. When we say ‘A’, we expect you to read between the lines and understand that we most certainly meant ‘B’. Le duh. Here are some of the most common female expressions translated to help you read our minds.
Oh honey, no. In order to live your best life and to keep my eyebrows from being perpetually furrowed, please refrain from ever repeating that statement again. Many thanks.
Seriously just two more minutes!
I just got into the shower so maybe grab a snack.
I’m not mad.
That was very bold of you. Please notice this dramatic side-eye I’m giving you while I calmly sit here and scheme how you will pay for this.
How do you know her?
After a series of well-calculated looks at the girl who said hello to you, I need to know your texting history and how many emojis she uses. And go ahead and throw her last name into the mix. I’ll need to stalk all her social media account as well. Yes, I’m incredibly well-adjusted.
I’m sorry you feel that way.
I’m not really that hungry.
Like, order a burger with a side of extra burger and fries because after I have a few bites of yours we are both still going to be ravenous savages. But like, cute ravenous savages.
I actually ate like an hour ago but you don’t know that so I get away with devouring a pizza and still feeling like a lady.
Hey, are you hungry?
I am so hungry that Scientology is starting to make sense.
It’s absolutely not fine and dark times will fall if you don’t act swiftly. Real talk: Tulips make for a great apology.
I’m only going to have one drink.
I’m going to start with a glass of Chardonnay before any Patron shots this time.
My brain just filed you under blissfully ignorant. You can go home now.
I just want a guy who makes me laugh.
I want a handsome boyfriend who will buy me nice things and like all of my Instagram photos. If he happens to be mildly funny, I’ll be fine with it.
That thing I just said/did was horrendously bitchy and a little embarrassing. I’d rather you think that I couldn’t be capable of such behavior. A little PMS lie never hurt anybody.
This is a hilarious moment I will cherish for a week and I’m very much alive.
Something is most definitely up. Make sure to laugh at all my jokes.
No, I won’t tell anyone.
Except my best friend who lives in another area code so it’s fine, my boyfriend, obvi, my sister, and maybe my mother depending on how bored I get.
I’m just like one of the guys.
I drink beer and I played Nintendo once when I was 11.
So to translate, those are your “meat and potatoes.” Basically, women are a science, an art, a mathematical equation, an elegant haiku and/or a glorious riddle depending on what day it is. Invest in a calendar. We don’t ask too many questions, nor do we talk too much. We buy just the right amount of shoes and our cooking skills reign superior to cable network chefs.
We are always (write this down) DIY wizards, Amazon prime angels, comedic geniuses, intellectual masterminds who give the world enough sass to keep everyone on their toes. We are never (are you writing?) clingy, annoying, melodramatic, overly sensitive, PMSing hags. Except on some Mondays and days when we are tired, hangry, irritated, or when we don’t get the appropriate amount of attention or praise we deserve.
See, that wasn’t so bad. Women are totally reasonable, right? (Translation: Dear God, nod your head yes, immediately.)
Featured Image Via screen grab from The Ugly Truth