We’ve all had an experience with an ex where it got too painful to see them every day on social media, even if you parted ways in the most civil manner. But this isn’t about my ex. This is about my husband’s ex. This is about the other person in my life who made me hate who I was.
I know I’m not the only girl who has had that “frenemy” they hate to see on their TL. It’s not that she’s a bad person, it’s not that she’s prettier than me, it’s not that she has a better life than me, none of that. She’s got a kind soul, she’s beautiful, and really, there’s no way that I could physically try to compare her to me. Because we’re totally different people.
I followed her on social media because that’s what you do with “friends,” or should I say anybody you’ve ever met before, ever. This kind of “friend” is the one to tweet that a boy made them feel bad about themselves and you tweet back “Tell me where they’re at, I’ll kill em.” They post a selfie and you comment a hundred heart face emojis. Really. I hope the best for this girl and I think she’s wonderful in her own way.
But I hated how much I hated her.
I’m sorry to come out like this and say that, yes, I am that bitch. The girl that tells a girl to her face that I “love her” but then hate her inside. And so, finally, a few months ago, I stopped following her on social media.
She noticed. She asked my husband why I had, wondering if I’d upset her. And I was wracked with guilt. She’s a nice girl, like I said. So I followed her again, but a small part of me got blacker and blacker with anger every time I saw her perfect face on my Insta feed.
So I did it again.
And this time, I decided to come clean. Explain why I did it. Because I don’t want to be that insecure bitch. That’s who I’m becoming, and I don’t want to be that way. So, A, let me tell you why I stopped following you on Social Media:
Because you’re a good person, and you like me. And I don’t want to hate you anymore. And even though you’ve never consciously done something to make me hate you, I just hate you. Maybe it’s because you used to date my husband (definitely has something to do with it, sorry), or maybe it’s because you seem to be accomplishing so much more than me. Maybe it’s because I’m really just insecure at heart, and I can’t stand having that fact thrown in my face every day. And maybe it’s because for some stupid reason that I can’t put my finger on, I just don’t like you. I mean, I do. But I don’t. And I don’t want to be a mean person anymore.
I’m not proud that I don’t like you. I wish I was the girl who loved everyone. But I’m just not. I’m facing the reality that I can be a bitch. And so this is me, attempting to no longer be that way.
Let me tell you. The last few months without your every move thrown in my face? A load off my chest. I no longer feel like I’m competing with you in a competition you didn’t know I’d begun. I no longer feel like I have to apologize for feeling insecure against you. I no longer feel like a bitch. They say to let the toxic people in your life go. You weren’t toxic, but I was. And so I let myself go from your life.
Featured image via Barbara Ines.