Let’s face it, summer is over. We are all coming to the realization that we won’t cross off every book from our summer must-reads nor will we have truly accomplished a summer slim down. But worst of all, if you are anything like me and worked your summer away indoors, you are slowly recognizing that you did not acquire the tan glow you had long awaited. With less than a month till I head back to school, I figured I needed to do something to prevent my skin from blending in with my notebook paper so I decided to lay out. This of course led me to remember why I hate tanning.
1. Sweat: I always see those cute sayings like I don’t sweat, I sparkle and I’m like “Awh that tiny girl is so right – she probably doesn’t sweat” but for me – I’m more like, “I don’t sweat, I torrential downpour harder than Katrina.” Laying out just feels like bathing in my own greasy bodily fluid.
2. Wifi: No matter how close I lay out near my house, the WiFi refuses to connect. What am I supposed to do without WiFi? Just lay here in silence? And when WiFi doesn’t work, I can’t listen to online playlists. Meaning, I have to resort to music I downloaded before I knew what online streaming was which will be Ke$ha’s Tik Tok and Flo Rida’s Ayer. Or, I have to listen to an archaic FM station with an obnoxious DJ mixing his terrible name over the end of every song.
3. Phones: My phone gets too hot and powers down, or better yet, burns me when I go to look at it. And even if I do get my phone to work, I can’t see the screen to communicate with the real world.
4. No comfortable position: One cannot simply lay that flat and still unless they are at a 5th grade sleepover playing light as a feather stiff as a board and trying to levitate. I flip a billion times, never laying each way an equal amount and therefore getting nothing accomplished. Someone should just invent a human-size hot dog roller for me; that would get the job done.
5. Sunglasses: Do you wear them or not? My corneas are honestly four to five seconds away from blowing up or shooting laser beams out them. But with them, I look like Hilary Duff in her Cinderella mask so my family can’t recognize me for two days.
6. Hair: Yes I put my hair up in a top knot to tan but those baby wispy hairs gently graze my face over and over and over in the breeze. This causes a rapid panic attack as I feel as though an army of baby spiders must be attacking me.
7. Body hate: Rarely do I ever feel like working out. Like never. Yet, whenever I have to attempt to lay out in a bikini- I instantly begin stressing about all the workouts I need to do or should have done prior to the middle of the summer. Maybe I’ll do p90x – I don’t do dieting though so that’s out. I like running but it’s way to hot, I’d have to run with life alert. Maybe if I just flex as I lay here that will do something.
Let me tell you, after suffering this traumatic experience for a solid twenty minutes, I have found laying out is not cute and relaxing as tumblr presents. Stop acting like tanning is fun – it is a chore that causes me to pray that the pale trends of the 1800’s will one day resurface.
Featured Image via Tumblr.