As the heat rages on and we delve even further into the summer months, we are reminded of the importance of being bronzed and beautiful. Unfortunately, there are some of us who are incapable of achieving this goal. If you are pale, like me, you know that standing in the sun for any more than 10 minutes will result in painful burns that eventually turns into dry, peeling skin. You know that wearing sunglasses will result in raccoon eyes. You know that spray tans will turn you into an Oompa Loompa. And you know that no man will ever date Casper the ghost, that’s you my friend.
As the pale chick of your friend group, you must grow accustomed to the everyday commentary surrounding your skin tone. Unlike these people, you cannot forego sunscreen unless it is winter. You cannot wear sunglasses while sitting at the beach unless you’ve mentally prepared for permanent raccoon eyes. You cannot wear fancy bathing suits with cutouts, strings, or tassels because they will be stuck on your naked body for months and months to come. More importantly, when lathering on your SPF 55, you need not forget to apply to your feet or there will be problems. It is also not uncommon to scratch your sunburn to the point of assuming you have fleas.
It’s easy for tan people to question our judgment and wonder why we haven’t resorted to quick tanning fixes such as tanning beds, spray tans, or the ever-popular self-tanner. To that, we pale people must resist the urge to slap the tan off these peoples’ faces, and instead let the orange skin tone and blistering sunburn do the talking. No one wants to look like they just went balls deep into a swimming pool filled with carrot juice.
Pale individuals are strong individuals. We must learn how to cope at an early age. Coping not only refers to struggling with comments at the expense of your ghost-like color, but it also refers to the fact that we pale people know about 100 different sunburn calming remedies. A giant bottle of aloe vera has been the boyfriend we will never have at one point in our lives or another; tea-bagging is not an inappropriate game played with a male genital, but instead a reference to bathing in tea bags to soothe redness.
Being pale is a lifestyle. The lifestyle includes having a bottle of sunscreen in every purse you own, allotting 15 extra minutes in the morning to lather yourself in lotion, at times appearing tan because your face freckles begin to attach, getting lost in photos with flash photography, being accused of being goth when you try to fit in with the Essie Wicked nail color in the winter months, never having proof of being away on vacation to a tropical island, and having extreme difficulty matching makeup to your skin tone.
While the everyday life of a pale person has its struggles, hardships, and deteriorations, it’s a great life nonetheless. Pale people can find solace in knowing that sunscreen protects against skin cancer, that lying in the shade under an umbrella is way more relaxing than frying in the rays of the sun, that having porcelain skin is in fact a compliment, and that you never have to be embarrassed when your tan turns pale in the winter months because you were never tan to begin with.
So, young pale peeps, go forth and enjoy the life you lead, because being pale doesn’t define you. Yes, it is a major factor of your existence, but as long as you have sunscreen by your side, you will never be alone. Don’t hide from the sun as long as you’ve got your giant floppy hat, long pants, and a long sleeve shirt – regardless of the temperature. So, forget the meatballs, because when you’re pale, it’s always cloudy with a chance of sunburn.