Why We Will Never Be More Than An Almost Relationship

You came into my life when I needed you most. I tried so hard to resist you, but you pushed your way in. You scared me. The last person who unexpectedly forced themselves into my life had left me in pieces – a shadow of my former self. I promised myself that, that was the last time I was ever going to give someone the power to control my thoughts and emotions. Never again.

And that’s when you stepped in. You were cautious at first, because you know how fragile I really was. Slowly, you helped build me back up. You made me aware of my potential and the strength I had to achieve everything I’ve ever wanted. You instilled in me the confidence I had lost, the confidence he took from me. Because of you, I found myself again.

Late night conversations, moments of laughter, eye contact that lingered longer than it should, lips touching briefly, hands intertwining in our sleep; I let you in.

My thoughts were consumed with images of you and all the while you were unaware of the effect you were having on me. We pretended it wasn’t real. Ignoring every thought or emotion that came flooding through you when I walked into a room. It wasn’t the same with you and I. The way you looked at any ordinary passerby was nothing compared to the way you looked at me. When your eyes met mine, they told a story of passion, joy, purpose, fear, and warmth.

While you were busy building me up, I was breaking down all the walls you spent years protecting. I pulled them apart brick by brick, leaving a pile of stone rubble behind me. Exploring spaces few had travelled.

I am privileged to have seen the confusing masterpiece that is your mind.

I’ve always been accepting of my weaknesses, letting loneliness and self-doubt overcome me until I was numb. Submerging myself in emotion, feeling everything so deeply. You were the one who always put up a strong front, refusing to let others see you falter. Fooling everyone with your charming facade. They all fell for it, except for me.

Together we were the perfect mix of strength and weakness. Growing and learning from one another, pushing each other to become the people we’ve always dreamed of.

Still, there was always something lurking in the shadows. The fear that we might realize what the other was doing. How this was something that was not meant to last. Fear kept us from succumbing to our fickle hearts. Two vagabonds aware of the potential destruction they may cause if they gave into one another’s vulnerability.

Today, every unspoken word we are too afraid to utter fills the thick and silent space between us. My inner voice trying to claw its way out. Yet, we continue to sit side by side, stuck in this fallacy we’ve created, frozen by fear.

Featured Image via Jacqueline Mikuta.

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