Raise your hand if someone has asked you “When are you going to have children?”
Most of us have heard that before, especially women. On the one hand, as more and more people are childfree (thanks to many factors), it’s become more common and less stigmatized. But too many people still ostracize anyone who’s childfree. There’s an idea that if you’re a woman with no child, particularly one in a relationship, that you will eventually have children.
Not everyone wants kids, and that’s okay.
Some of us don’t want kids because we don’t have the time, money, or desire to raise children. Some of us may have wanted kids before but later changed our minds. And some of us don’t ever want kids simply because we don’t want to. Whatever the reason is, you don’t need to justify not having children, no matter what anyone else says.
Despite this, society still stigmatizes childfree people – especially women. Many people accuse childfree people of being selfish. The idea of wanting to nurture the next generation of children is seen as self-centered. Parenthood, particularly motherhood, is seen as a sacred time in your life that everyone experiences. There’s the idea that you should experience what it’s like to take care of a younger person who is dependent on you, to guide them, to help them grow into the healthy, happy person we all strive to be.
I won’t deny that many parents are selfless. If you truly take care of your child, then that makes sense. And parenting is a full-time job in itself, one that’s often unpaid and goes unrecognized despite the work that it takes to raise and care for a child.
But the idea that parenthood is inherently selfless is wrong.
The world has many, many selfish parents out there, and unfortunately, many parents who abuse their children. They’re not selfless at all. In fact, being childfree can be selfless in many ways. You acknowledge that you don’t want children so you don’t have them, which means you’re not harming someone who didn’t ask to be born into this world.
No one should guilt-trip any person, including those who are childfree. But it still happens. There is a weird stigma about being childfree, as if you’ve done something terrible. People have this idea that being childfree means you hate children.
I wouldn’t want anyone to hate children of course—none of us deserve hatred—but you don’t have to like children. In fact, I can’t say I particularly like children. I do like many things about kids, their open mindedness and curiosity one of them. However, I won’t deny feeling irritated when I hear a child screaming in the grocery aisle, or have it reinforce just why I don’t want children.
I can like children and not want them – and that’s okay.
Personally, I love having the freedom that comes with being childfree. I love having more time for myself. And I’m not willing to give up, which is why, for now, I’m not having children. And I don’t think that’s selfish at all.
Just like many things in life, we don’t all live the same way, and that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with being childfree. You should never feel guilty for not wanting children. It doesn’t make you a bad person or somehow “inferior” to anyone. And it doesn’t mean you will change your mind as you “grow up” or “find the right person.”
Being childfree just means that you’ve chosen to not have kids. That’s all there is to it. Attaching any other meaning, purely based on opinion, says more about that person than it does about you.
Photo by Jametlene Reskp on Unsplash
Choosing to be childfree doesn’t make someone selfish, and it’s powerful to see that affirmed so clearly. Really appreciated the thoughtful and compassionate tone here.