When we split up, I told everyone it was amicable and for the best. I think I said it so many times that I even convinced myself it was true. Yet as the months passed and the hands on the clocks continued to turn, I found myself more and more lost without you.
Meanwhile, your life moved on like you didn’t even miss a beat. You literally walked out of my life right into the arms of another woman without a moment’s hesitation.
I see pictures of the adventures you go on with your new lover while I sit at home with reruns of my favorite television shows and bottles of alcohol to numb the pain. With every image of you with her that appears on my social media feeds, I feel pieces of my heart shatter as my teardrops hit the floor.
I can tell you’re really content with your new partner, and I’m sure she’s truly great. You two look meant for each other in ways that no one else could be. In fact, you seem to finally have everything you ever wanted in life, and I’m no longer the heavy burden that’s holding you down.
But no matter how happy I am for you, it doesn’t take away the pain I feel deep inside my chest. I promise I’m happy for you, but I’m also in agony.
Honestly, I sacrificed so much for you — I let my hopes and dreams die so we could build a future together, a future hand in hand. I convinced myself that I only needed your love because it would keep me safe. But now I’m alone, unprotected, exposed… and nothing but a stamp in the passport of your life.
When I see you look at her, I realize just how naive I was to think that what we had was ever love. The way you laugh with her and care for her confirms those irrational fears I held onto for years and refused ever to believe: You never actually loved me, but you’re completely capable of loving someone else.
I’m not going to lie: It’s exciting to see you smiling and joyful instead of angry and closed off. You’re like a completely different person — like a caged bird who is finally free to sing. You love her, she loves you, and that leaves me out in the cold.
Don’t get me wrong: It sucks to be the discarded couch on the side of the road that’s about to end up in a landfill.
But I’m not sure our story should end any other way.
I constantly wonder if I’ve ever genuinely been in love or if I’ll ever find my twin flame. And honestly? I’m somewhat convinced that I won’t, and that really, really stings.
But no matter how much pain I’m in right now, and no matter how hopelessly alone I feel, I’m genuinely happy you found the one your heart was meant to beat for. When I see you with her, I’m in agony… but I’m also happy for you, and that’s the way I’m going to stay.
Previously Published on Thought Catalog