We May Not Be Friends Anymore, But I’ll Always Love You

Over the past year, a friendship of mine disintegrated. As complex and sad as it was, I knew within myself that we weren’t equal friends, and it was something that needed to happen. 

I’ve felt anger towards this friend for the past year. Things happened in a way that I would have never expected. She was like a sister to me, and I never thought we would end up like this. 

I remember us talking about our future. We land our dream jobs, get into our dream relationships, and accomplish goals that we always knew would happen and ones that we figured the other person would be there to see.

It’s happening, and she’s not here to see me accomplish them.

It stings. It does. Our friendship ended in such a nonchalant way. But on my end, I felt anger, jealousy, and resentment. I disliked this friend often, not wanting to deal with her. 

We both decided to let the friendship end and fizzle out without either of us attempting to make an effort to change it. 

It’s sad when you realize that a friendship meant more to you than it did to the other person. 

I think about the friendship at least once a day. Sometimes, I feel bad for letting things end the way they did. I wonder if this person realizes the pain they caused me if they miss me at all, and if they hate me now. Because I tried hating them, and I can’t find the strength to do it. I can’t hate someone I loved for so long. It’s not something I’m physically capable of doing, 

I will admit that many events led up to the friendship ending, And I’m still angry about them. I was treated in a way that was so cruel, and I didn’t deserve it. 

Looking back at the friendship, I realize how unequal it indeed was. And I’m shocked to say that it went on for as long as it did. 

But some friendships go deeper than friendship; you become family. While there are times that you might not like your family members, you will always love them, and I think that’s the case here.

I still go on my social media, and every once in a while, I get a like or a comment from her. And she would say the same to me. Because I know I do the same. But other than that, it’s like the friendship never existed. 

The weird thing is that I might not want to reach out and text this friend, make small talk, or hang out. I know within myself that I’m always going to be cheering on, I’m always going to be happy for her when she succeeds with something, and if she called me needing help, I’d be there in a heartbeat.

And I know she’d do the same for me. 

We might not be friends, and we might not like each other much these days, but after being friends for so long, my love for this person will never go away. 

I might not like you now, but I could never hate you. And I hope you know that. I want to see you shine, and I want to see you do well. But I don’t necessarily have to be there 24/7 to see it happen. 

I hope you’re doing well.

Featured image via Matheus Bertelli on Pexels