Back by popular demand – And by popular demand, I mean at the request of friends who find dating apps fascinating and find my dating mishaps hilarious. This one is for you lucky taken jerks – enjoy my misery!
I have said it before and I will say it again: I do not understand the male population. While I understand that your genitals take over most of your brain cells, making it impossible to have full control over your body at all times, sometimes we need you to push past the testosterone that is trying to take over and think. Think before you speak. Think before you post something on social media. Think before you decide to have a full conversation with us while focused on our breasts. Most of all, us single ladies need you to think when it comes to dating apps.
I have given simple tips over and over again and it still doesn’t seem to be sinking in. I know you don’t want to hear it, but we are judging you. While you are more focused on our breast size, we are focused on your ability to take a normal photo, your grammatical errors and even your interests if you note them. The following photos are of men that I have personally seen or had interactions with on Tinder/Bumble. Please, I beg of you, for the love of all women, do NOT do what these men have done.
Let the swiping games begin:
1. Present yourself as at least somewhat normal from the get-go. While you are allowed to be into dressing up as mythical creatures or whatever this gentleman is dressed up as, save that for the second date.
2. Keep your guns locked up, please! If you would like to look appealing to a girl, you might not want to present yourself coming off as a bank robber or serial killer. Just saying.
3. Along with those guns, keep the things that you use those guns for off of your dating app as well. Nothing says you are a heartless asshole like you documenting the animal you just murdered.
4. Please refrain from looking like you have a drug or alcohol problem. Not the most appealing thing to a woman that you have never met. We would like to know that when we go to the restroom, we will come back to our full beverage at the table.
5. An actual picture of your face is required… Not just some of the features. While you may be proud of your hair, it tells us nothing about you at all. Except maybe that you use more hair gel than a woman.
6. Preferably a photo without blood dripping from your nose would be appreciated. Also, by telling us that you are a selfish idiot really isn’t a selling point and this is coming from a girl who normally dates assholes. Big red flag here: No dogs. You are a monster, sir.
7. Try to not look like you are a cast member from Baywatch. Normal swimming trunks are acceptable, but those look like a six-year-olds pair of underwear. I think it is time for an upgrade!
8. No mirror selfies! In this day and age, you can knock this picture practice off! If need be, grab your selfie stick or your grandma to take a photo for you! Also, sir, pull up your pants.
9. Locate a shirt. I know boys you want to show off that ripped bod that you have been working so hard on, but we need to know what you look like without being concerned that your pants are going to fall down. Literally.
10. Don’t be this guy. This is this man’s entire profile. This is all you get. I don’t even know if this man has a head. I hope you meet some really nice people, your stomach makes you look super genuine and down to earth.
11. If you are desperate to do a shirtless photo and don’t want to blend in with the rest of the meat heads, be like this guy. Props to this dude right here. At least he was thinking a little outside the box and got a chuckle out of me!
12. Take your weird interests somewhere else. This is a lot to handle right here. Don’t they make other apps for this business? Craigslist maybe?
13. Don’t let the girl that you were “talking” to and “too busy to actually go out with” see you on dating apps. Otherwise, you will end up being an example of what not to do like this schmuck.
14. May want to keep in mind that some girls are actually here because they would like to get to know people. We are aware what some people are on this dating app for, but some are not here for the “booty”.
15. Do not do this, when a girl does end up showing a bit of interest in you.
Gentleman, I have done all I can do for you. It is now up to you not to mess this up. Please try to be as normal as possible in the beginning. Once you have set a foundation then you can let your freak flag fly, but until then, take a moment to think before you act on a dating app. Remember to keep your clothing on, take normal photos, be honest and for the love of all that is mighty, please keep your penis out of the conversation for at least a week.