You had me under your spell. I was mesmerized by you and everything you did. You had me in the palm of your hand and took every opportunity to manipulate me. It’s funny, isn’t it? That it always seems to take such a long time for you to realize how oblivious you were to what was going on? You look back and just can’t help but laugh at yourself and your vulnerability. I’m looking back now, and I didn’t even recognize the person I was when I was with you.
I was putty in your hands and it was so easy for you, wasn’t it? You decided to take advantage of the way I looked at you. The way I admired you. The way I held you on a damn pedestal. And so close to my heart. Was it fun? Did you get what you wanted?
There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for you. I was willing to be at your beck and call, day or night, no matter the distance. But I guess that’s what made it so simple. The distance. Those nights you said you were with the boys, was she there too? When I went on a trip for a week and you casually told me she slept over, was it in your bed? The lonely nights at the cottage where you two would get high and watch movies, did she come on to you? Or did you come on to her? I’ll never know… I was so blinded by loving you, I forgot to be crazy and ask questions.
The more time that passes, the more I realize I’m better off without you. You were ruthless and careless and to this day it still doesn’t bother you, does it? The lying. You would go to your grave swearing otherwise.
Thing is, we’re all human, so the fact that you made a mistake wasn’t what took me by surprise. I can certainly forgive you for the cheating, but I won’t forgive you for the lying. I always made it a point it go above and beyond to satisfy you needs, but you’ve made it clear that, that was irrelevant, that you, and only you, matter.
Remember when I asked if you wanted a hall pass for the week to do your own thing? What about when I asked if you wanted to temporarily break up, so you could see if there was something between you two? Or how about the time I confronted you about your true feelings for her? I do. I remember all that, and I vividly remember you saying no, and almost making me feel crazy for suggesting such an open invitation. God forbid I suggest for it to happen right under my nose, right?
The lying part, that wasn’t okay. The messing up and being human part, that’s completely fine. It happens. But looking back and not thinking twice about the things you did or what you got away with, is a definite shame on you. You had me in the palm of your hands, but you’re so quick to hit the “self destruct” button, you lied and buried it like it never happened.
But for future reference, the truth always comes out. One way or another, whether you like it or not. It surfaces, and if you’re not ready to be honest and deal with the aftermath of the destruction you’ve caused, you should really be rethinking the kind of person you want to be.
But you thought I didn’t know, right? It wasn’t as clear at the time, but looking back, it was right under my nose. No amount of love, freedom, trust, or admiration would ever be enough for you, you always crave to have a bit more. You just see the rest of us as irrelevant and miniscule.
But as much as I want to be upset and hurt, I just find myself feeling bad for you instead. You used to mean something to me; I used to admire everything you did and see you as the most intelligent and creative person that I’ve ever known. But you made it easy to see you in your true light and all I want to do now, is wish you the best. Then again, you seem to thoroughly enjoy the pleasure you get out of destroying the people closest to you, so maybe take a break from that and focus on being honest with yourself and who you are. I guarantee you won’t like the “man” looking back.
Featured image via barbara_ines.