In my years of eating disorder recovery, I’ve met many friends in the treatment centers that I attended. However, because of their eating disorder struggles, these friends weren’t always healthy to have in my life. I used to play the “mom” role in these friends’ lives. I’d listen to their struggles and show them compassion — but I didn’t always have firm boundaries.
Now that I’m healthier, though, I know how important it is to set boundaries with people, especially those who are still very deep in their eating disorders. As a conflict-avoidant person, I definitely struggle with setting boundaries in my friendships. However, when people constantly complain, make triggering comments and disrespect the boundaries I set, it frustrates me. Having many “treatment friends” often led to this type of behavior.
In the past, I’ve had friends “trauma dump” on me, complain about their families and support systems not stepping up, tell me their plans when they felt unsafe, and mention how little they ate, which triggered my own eating disorder.
Sadly, the number of ways that friends disrespected my boundaries in the past is too long to list.
The kicker happened when a friend told me a graphic account of a plan to end their life. I finally told this friend that they could no longer talk about these types of plans with me. Then, I called the crisis center and sent my friend some suicide hotline numbers. I later found out that my friend didn’t use any of the resources I sent over.
Compare that to a fun day I had with my dog walker friends. We played Monopoly, laughed, and had a great time together. That day fully helped me realize that I don’t need to act as an unpaid, untrained “therapist” for my friends. Some of my friends discuss their mental health struggles in so much detail that I don’t have the professional background to help them. When my friends are hurting so deeply, they should seek out a crisis counselor or a therapist instead of me. Acting as a “therapist” does a disservice to both my friends and myself because my friends may not get the help they need, and I leave these conversations feeling completely empty.
Now, I intentionally walk away from anyone who doesn’t respect my boundaries because I refuse to be a punching bag.
Friends aren’t mental health professionals, so when your friends treat you like one, it takes a toll on your mental health. I refuse to continue damaging my own mental health to support my friends.
Setting boundaries with friends isn’t easy, but we all need to commit to it for the sake of our wellbeing. Don’t feel guilty for putting appropriate boundaries in place. Also, remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you pull away or cut them off. Once you establish your boundaries, you can eventually return to your relationships to see if they can become healthier and stronger.
We all deserve respect, so if a friend can’t respect your needs, give yourself permission to set boundaries or end the relationship. You may feel lonely at first, but facing loneliness for a while is better than staying in friendships with people who disregard your needs. You are responsible for your health and happiness, so you need to do everything in your power to stay well.
If you worry for your friend’s safety, call an emergency hotline, like 988, and let them know that your friend is struggling. Don’t try to play “therapist” for anyone else — you aren’t trained to. Constantly listening to others’ mental health struggles and leading your friends to safety will only burden you, and it won’t help your friends. Setting boundaries and seeking out professional help is always the right way to go.
You deserve support from your friends too. If that means setting boundaries, don’t be afraid to put them in place. Setting boundaries will give you the space to make friends who make your life feel happy and full.
Featured Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash.
