Sometimes in our lives, we get in a pattern and it’s not necessarily always a good one. We catch ourselves at times getting so wrapped up in a story we have weaved that even to ourselves it’s difficult to differentiate between the truth and tale. Sadly, this happened to me in 2015. Looking back, I would have done things totally different, however since that is not an option, I will take the lessons I learned from the experience and apply them to any life circumstances moving forward.
It is better to be yourself, speak your truth, and let others react to you genuinely than to try to impress yourself by being someone you know others would like better. In 2015, I was in the middle of a rough break-up. I had finally come to the conclusion that the relationship I was in was toxic and verbally abusive. It was not going to get better and in fact, grew continuously worse. Yet my debilitating fear of confrontation made me choose to live a double life and make the best of it. My best friend lived in Atlanta, had a spare bedroom and the job market had ample offerings. To me, packing up and leaving Charleston was a no brainer but having that conversation to officially end things with my ex frightened me. In my head, at that time, it made more sense to lead a double life. I spent countless hours driving back and forth from Atlanta and Charleston and hiding the truth from literally every person I knew. My ex thought I was making trips back and forth to N.Y to help my mom (this could buy me several days at a time). My best friend in Atlanta believed I had taken a job as an overnight caregiver (this gave me reasoning to not be home for several nights at a time) and my jobs in both locations didn’t know of this double life yet I was miraculously able to frame and align my schedules just right.
Looking back, I realize how crazy this plan was. I had avoided speaking the truth for so long and having to mask it with more and more lies that I too got lost in the web. When I finally came clean, chose one city to live in, one life to lead, and everyone important to me knew where that was, things panned out and life felt so much less chaotic. I was able to finally heal from the pain of my past relationship and re-define some important goals for myself.
I pride myself on remaining as genuine as possible while also protecting my heart and those who mean the most to me whenever I can. I’m deeply sorry for anyone I hurt in the past and am eternally grateful for those who stuck by me through it all. It was a lesson learned for sure.