As I sit here crying and watching Gossip Girl, I stop to think about the trauma I’ve been through and how it has affected every inch of my life. Jumping from man to man, I tried to fill a void that I never even realized existed until I lost someone who I cared about more than myself. Someone who I wanted to experience happiness with even though I couldn’t find that happiness within myself.
Being 24 with the mind of not deserving someone to love you can be difficult. I’m ashamed at how many people I have lost in my life, my fault or not. I feel like I put up a pretty good front, just like most people do. My front shows that I don’t care what others think, like I don’t care if someone walks away or makes me out to be something I’m not.
I think what hurts the most is when someone who says they won’t leave, leaves.
You know that saying, “You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.” That may be true, so you don’t project your insecurities on someone else. But also, someone who loves you enough will continue to give you the reassurance you need and not make you feel crazy for needing it.
2020 has been an unforgettable year, both in good ways and bad. One thing I’ve learned about myself (and I’m sure many of you have as well) is that I’m so strong. When people say that you have to love yourself before you love somebody else, you really just need to be comfortable in your own skin. You need the confidence to know that the flaws of another person won’t reflect on you.
Whether it be someone else’s trust issues, their commitment issues, or their inability to provide affection… That isn’t your problem. Everyone has trauma and experiences that have shaped them into who they are. People come and go but even when that happens, never lose sight of who you are. Remember that you are wonderful. You’re a queen, no matter who tried to tear that down.