I’ve used the same cover letter for the past two years, so every time I apply for a new job, it just takes two seconds to edit in the company’s information. However, I recently started thinking about what I’d really like to say in my cover letters instead of all the ridiculous, unnatural things I usually say.
So here’s what I want to say in my cover letters (but never actually will).
Dear HR assistant who initially filters through these applications before fearfully sending them through to the hiring manager,
I came across your job listing in the middle of my daily mental breakdown, while devouring a Cheeto puff I found in my bed. The job sounds like every other opening on this website, but I do like how you tried to appeal to my generation by throwing a cuss word in the job description — it was a nice touch.
Let’s be real – I’m only typing this cover letter because you required one for the application.
To be perfectly honest, I can’t figure out why companies require a cover letter these days… other than to weed out the lazy applicants. I promise that there isn’t anything that you’ll find in this document that you won’t find on my résumé.
I’m just another whiny, twentysomething professional begging you to at least offer me an interview because, between you and me, I can absolutely crush a job interview. Most Millennials learned how to manipulate people from the day it became socially acceptable for us to love ourselves, and we haven’t looked back since.
At this point, I’m not even sure what industry I’d like to work in.
n fact, I’ll honestly take any job that can help me pay off my mountain of ridiculous student loans and pay the rent for the six-bedroom apartment that I share with roommates from Craigslist. I’ll probably call out of work once or twice during the next six months because one of them made me cry over doing the dishes, but that’s not really important right now.
As an employee, I’ll be the hardest-working staff member you’ve ever hired.
Not because I’m naturally good at everything that I put my mind to, but instead because people in their twenties (like me) function off of fear. Honestly, I’m afraid that without this job, I won’t have the opportunity to get trashed at brunch with girls I don’t really even like hanging out with anymore. Therefore, you can depend on me to be the first to complete every project. Oh, and I’ll also think you hate me. No, you probably never did anything for me to assume that you dislike me; it’s just that same anxiety that pushes me to exceed deadlines and expectations.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience, but please contact me in the next few days — I’m getting sick of scrolling through social media and job boards.
Another Victim of “A Bachelor’s Degree Will Get You A Job”