I’ve been told to dumb myself down and to dress in dowdy clothes, so I don’t scare guys off.
After a breakup, used to spend my evenings sitting in a warm bath, browsing articles on my phone to make me feel better about my dating life.
I’d constantly be searching for that break-through article that would make me feel better or at least provide a solution to my supposedly cursed dating life.
One evening, I stumbled upon an article that proclaimed to help women understand men. It was all about the “male brain” and how guys see situations compared to how women view them. I figured that it couldn’t hurt to read it, as I’m interested in the male dating perspective.
The information in the article all seemed to be pretty common sense. But then, I read that “Men only want to date women who make them feel good about themselves.”
I think at the time, I understood that.
I’d never want to date someone who made me feel crappy about myself. But the article went on to explain that a woman who has a successful career could “trigger” men’s insecure feelings.
I went from sad to perplexed as I started to think how my dating lows always coincided with career highs. I often wonder if my successful career is the reason I have so much trouble finding Mr Right.
After asking a few male friends if successful women like me intimidated them, the general consensus was that I was intimidating to men, both looks-wise career-wise. After all, I run an award-winning Pilates studio, write articles for publications, model, and run my own website.
The advice my guy friends gave me? Dumb down a little, lie about your career, and while you’re at it, dress down a little, too. They told me to hide my shape, avoid sharing any busty photos, and even recommended changing my profile name.
That way, guys couldn’t Google me and discover my modeling portfolio.
I strained to understand the logic in the key to landing a man being not brushing my hair and lying about my career.
I resisted against changing myself for as long as I could, until my dates would Google me and run in the opposite direction. Were they worried that I’d write about our date? Did they fear that I’d be super high-maintenance because of my modelling pics?
I’d given in a few times, dumbed down my dating profile, until I realized it attracted men I wouldn’t date. Then, I had the epiphany that this wasn’t really my problem – it was their problem. If a man genuinely felt turned off by my ambition and appearance, then he clearly wasn’t right for me.
For some men, success seems to be an area of acute insecurity, and unfortunately for me, I seem to attract a lot of men with those insecurities. It’s a societal belief that men need to be the breadwinners. With that said, I don’t give a shit about the size of someone’s wallet.
Being self-employed for over eight years has meant that I have to be sure of myself and know exactly what I want in life. Perhaps, some people perceive that self-assuredness as arrogance before they get to know me properly.
Maybe, it’s a turn-off that I’m so sure of what I want and who I am, and I’m not afraid to take the lead. I feel confident enough to assert boundaries in my career. I’ve discovered I don’t need a guy to constantly bolster my self-confidence.
I feel confident enough to walk away from situations that hurt me and men who don’t serve me.
I give men feedback if they do something I don’t like.
I’ve decided that I’ll let my career achievements and self-confidence act as natural selection, a way to weed out the men who aren’t right for me. Strong women intimidate boys, but excite men, and real men are what I’m after.