My inspiration was every time that I got to look into his beautiful eyes. He had the light scars underneath both of them, and had that crook in his nose, those thin lips, and his eyes showed pain in the beauty. Always showed pain and it got my guard down. My guard was so far down that I couldn’t pull myself away. I loved running my fingers through his soft hair, and always felt so safe when he would wrap his arms around me.
I never felt distress or pain. And I felt like I was I was on top of the world, on top of the universe. I felt like I was invincible. That was until I saw the texts. I saw her text pop up on the screen and everything just… broke. The safety was gone, my inspiration was gone, the eyes that showed pain… was that actually because they were showing deception? Were they showing what was holding him back from me the whole time? Why did this have to happen?
I’d never been at a point where I was so ready, so safe and comfortable saying the words, “I love you.” It was gone. All of it was gone. He didn’t understand why, but all it took was that one text flash and everything was gone.
I didn’t feel sad at the time. In fact, I don’t know that I felt anything at the time. I felt numb. I remember a vague blur asking him to leave, and our friend took him. He’d been drinking. Then I was there. Alone. I didn’t cry. I did drink the rest of the bottle of wine and text the girls that were friends of mine at that time. I didn’t really react other than telling him he needed to go.
I’d never felt anything like that before… where you’re so overwhelmed with pain that you don’t feel anything at all. It was almost a literal hell. I would imagine it to be hell. When things finally kicked in, I stayed in bed for 4 days. I didn’t eat, I hardly slept, I just laid there and prayed to a god that I don’t believe in—that the pain would stop. Hoping it gets better.
I finally went to the hospital after 4 days. They called it a panic attack. I didn’t know how to explain that I was crying so much over a man that didn’t care. And, I didn’t know how to explain that I had just had my heart broken. That’s why I was there, because I felt like I couldn’t survive anymore. Because I didn’t want to survive anymore.
After a while, it got better. It took awhile, but it gets better. Slowly healing has been one of the most intense things, there have been tears, pain, happiness, learning to love others again, learning to love myself again, and just being. Being here. Learning to love myself again, and learning that it’s okay to love others again.