It’s hard when sex is consensual and the things around it are very distorted. One minute you’re going at it and everything is feeling good, you’re enjoying it and the next somehow it’s gotten too rough or it becomes something you’re not okay with. It was consensual for one moment and quickly it turned to be too much. What do you do?
When you enter a new relationship whether it be physically or emotionally, the first few times you get physical is about exploring each other’s limits and getting to know what is okay and what isn’t. It’s normal for a lot of things to be awkward and uncomfortable.
The key is verbalizing the issues you have.
I believe sometimes it’s easily confused with rape or sexual assault. When you are experimenting with someone and do not use your words to communicate that you are uncomfortable, how can you expect for them to know you don’t want to?
You can’t just rely on physical cues and hope it gets the other person to stop. The ownership is now on you. Be accountable for your actions and communicate. Without verbal affirmation they legitimately will think nothing is wrong, and you can’t blame them for not knowing that.
You are responsible for yourself and your words need to reflect that. If you choose to stay silent then it’s presumed you are giving your consent. That aspect has never changed over the years. It’s no different if we are talking about sex or when someone is making you wear an outfit you don’t like and you didn’t express your dislike to them so you wear it anyways.
If you verbalize your discomfort and they do not stop or try to convince you to continue, then absolutely it becomes non-consensual. If they physically try to silence you and your screams, that is definitely considered rape.
The point is, you cannot point the finger at people and call them a monster for continuing to do things you aren’t comfortable with when you never voiced it to begin with. If you use your words they will stop and they will respect that, especially in the beginning.
The other issue is everyone has different definitions of ‘taking it slow’ and beginning stages. That leaves you with two options when you wish to avoid these problems:
You talk about what you want to start with before anything happens
You let it go naturally but vocalize immediately when your limit is crossed.
I get that talking about sex can be mortifying, especially when you’re trying to impress the other person and be cool and confident. But, by having an open and honest conversation, it can help you with everything and help gain trust.
Waiting to tell them after the fact that you were uncomfortable doesn’t do too much in the moment because the damage has been done. All the other person can say is sorry and ensure it’ll never happen again. Why put yourself through that when you should verbalize it as it happens so it won’t?
It’s a shame that so many people willingly become a victim in their own mind when they never had to put themselves in that position. It’s also a shame for the people who have been painted as a monster when they didn’t know they were doing something wrong because the other person failed to tell them in the first place.
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