4 Critical Lessons You Need To Learn From Your Heartbreaks

Originally published on YourTango by Shahrzad Malika.

Learn these lessons so the same situation doesn’t repeat itself again.

I hear this from my clients all the time: “I keep going through the same situation in my relationships. No matter who I am with, the story is always the same. The ending is always the same.”

And I can really relate with this as I lived the same story for 13 years in 3 different relationships.

Here’s the thing, ladies. Life has a funny way of teaching us important lessons. And when the same situation keeps on repeating itself, it really means that it’s time to recognize our patterns and that we absolutely need to learn the lesson.

What we can learn from heartbreaks are these 4 crucial lessons that life is always trying to teach us about men and relationships. Once you learn these lessons, you’ll save yourself from the repeated heartbreaks and also it’ll allow you to create your most amazing relationship:

1. Treating a man the way you want to be treated doesn’t work.

We, women, fall in love when the man starts to pursue us. When he texts, calls, takes us out, and does things for us, our feelings for him deepens. When a man tells us, “I love you”, we feel so very warm inside. When he brings us flowers and chocolate, we feel very special. When he surprises us, we cry tears of joy.

And so we think men want exactly the same things in order to fall in love. When we start to like a man, we think of him as an extension of ourselves, so we treat them how we want to be treated. And that’s the exact opposite of what he really needs in order to fall in love.

The lesson here is: A man falls in love when he gives to a woman.

Not the other way around. So if you’re trying to win his heart by texting him “Good morning” as soon as wake up, buying him little gifts to show him you thought about him, or do all the planning for your dates, you are doing what he wants to do for you!

And he feels emasculated by your sweet gestures and therefore, you’re killing his attraction.

So from now on, anytime you feel the anxiety of “what do I need to do to keep him interested”, the answer is nothing. You need to do absolutely nothing.

2. Playing hard to get doesn’t work.

No, it doesn’t work, even though you’ve heard it all your life. But, playing hard to get never works and neither do strategies and mind games. At any point in time, when you’re doing something in order to get him to react or feel a certain way, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

No man responds well to feeling controlled, at least not for long. So when you check your phone every 2 minutes to see if you’ve received a text from him, feeling all tense and worried, and when he finally texts and you tell yourself, “Ok, now I’m going to wait half an hour before responding back”, you’re killing his attraction!

You can pretend all you want, but he will pick up on the game playing energy!

Don’t do that! You need to realize you have every reason to be hard to get! And the difference between the two is huge!

When you realize you cannot give him the key to your happiness (meaning him texting you or his lack of contacting you cannot create an emotional roller coaster in you), when you go about your day enjoying every minute of it, loving what’s right in front of you instead of focusing on his lack of attention (and you naturally forget about your phone), his attraction starts building up.

Haven’t you noticed as soon as you forget about him, he shows up one way or the other? When you are so fully present with your surroundings and the people around you, you then become hard to get. You cannot be laser focused on a man obsessing about: “What is he doing? What is he thinking? Who is he with? Why hasn’t he called yet?”

Shift your focus off of him. Instead, love your own full life. If it’s not full, make it full! And let him want to come and join the party, instead of always making him the host of it.

3. Never assume exclusivity.

You go on a few dates with a man, everything is going wonderfully. He regularly calls and sees you, and he even introduces you to his friends. He might even ask you to go to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving. In your head, he’s your boyfriend. You assume he’s not seeing anybody else. You stop seeing other men.

Then you find out that he doesn’t think of you as his girlfriend. His online dating profile is still up. And he’s indeed dating other women.
It’s one of the most common and heartbreaking mistakes that we, women, make. We assume exclusivity. We think meeting his friends and family equals being his girlfriend. It doesn’t mean that at all.
There is a very simple rule to avoid this mistake. Until he has specifically asked you to be exclusive with him, it means he is dating others, and so should you. Don’t assume otherwise.

4. Asking “What are we?” pressures him.

Now that you know you shouldn’t assume exclusivity, it is also important for you to not initiate the Relationship Talk. Don’t ask, “So what are we?” or “Where is this relationship going?”

It is yet another attraction killer and the reason for that is that a man needs to feel that it’s his idea to take the next step in the relationship. He needs to feel that he is in control of the pace of it. It is a very masculine energy trait.

So as soon as you attempt to take the control away from him, he will resist it. He will feel pressured and then you will have the case of a distant and withdrawn man.

Instead, enjoy dating him and other men. Let them fight over you and try to get you to commit, not the other way around. Any of these men should feel lucky if you agree to exclusivity with them.

Featured image via Olia Nayda on Unsplash


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