This has been a recalcitrant, tumultuous relationship, and I am a recalcitrant, tumultuous girl. The way our personalities clash is almost as powerful as the way our lips crash when we kiss. When we fight it feels like my head is going to explode and my heart is going to shatter and the world is going to end. Fighting with you scares me, but loving you has scared me more. I am on the edge of no return and I have yet to even speak a word. If I am to leave, I have one question to ask before I go.
Will you miss me when I’m gone?
Tell me, will you miss the way I hold you when you’re feeling low? Will you long for the sound of my laugh? Will you see me smiling in your dreams? Will you miss my eyes, wide and gazing at you, holding a look that tells you “you are my world”? There is something about me that made you fall in love, and you will miss that something when I go.
The door to our relationship is swinging wide open, squeaky at the hinges. You are pushing me through that doorway. When you raise your voice, you push me a little farther. When you keep things from me, you push me a little more. Soon enough I will be taking these steps on my own and I will be standing on the outside, shutting the door behind me. Please don’t let that happen. I don’t want it to be that way.
When we started our relationship, I was broken. Today, I am still broken. I am not asking you to fix me. All I am asking is for you to walk with me as I gather the shards of my being and piece them back together. I do not need to be broken further. If you will not let me heal, I can not and will not let you be by my side.
This is a plea if you are out there reading this, do not let this ship sink. Do not let my mangled parts wash up on another’s shore. Do not let me sail off into the ocean unmanned. Be the captain of this damn boat, for me and for us. I don’t want to drown but every day it is becoming harder and harder to stay afloat.
I want to love you so badly, believe me when I tell you I do. But how do you love someone who hurts you? How do you let yourself go through the pain of a relationship in turmoil? I don’t think I know where to draw the line between fixing something that is broken and when something is too broken to fix.
The reality of this situation is that I do love you, but I fear that love itself is not enough sometimes. A relationship can not stay standing if love is all it has to go on. A relationship requires trust, happiness, and respect. We are lacking all those things.
To think that a whirlwind girl would have such a hard time with a whirlwind relationship is a funny thing. It just goes to show that every girl, and every human, wants the same thing. We all want to know that we’re loved and respected. No one wants to fight all the time. It’s so tiring; it really is. If we keep fighting and these waters keep churning, you will come face to face with my question. So look in the mirror and truly ask yourself, will you miss me when I’m gone?
Feature Image via Unsplash.