For those of you that are still single and have family members, friends, or maybe even randoms at the grocery store bombarding you with questions like, “Why are you STILL single?”, or “Have you considered you are too picky?” Please feel free to kindly inform them to f*ck off. Dating is never easy, but I am about to show you what not to do when you are looking for love – on a dating app. Maybe Tinder is the reason why some women opt to be single or are currently holding out with hope that Lance Bass will one day become straight.
Here it is my friends, what NEVER to do on Tinder:
- How about you start off with a picture of yourself? Yes, women will fall in love with your dogs, but now we think you are just using them to get us to like you. Sorry to disappoint you, we will always like your dogs more than you and 95% of the time have to force ourselves not to swipe right for that reason alone. Plot twist: your dog is way cooler than you.
2. Put your fish away – Literally. Great that you like to fish, but every other picture on Tinder is of a man with a big bass out like it is a prize. It is almost a competition out there to see who has largest fish in their profile pic – but remember boys size totally matters. We have seen enough.
3. Please STOP taking pictures in a mirror. There is this new invention on the front of most, if not all, cell phones and it is called a camera. You sir are cute, but it is just odd to watch you gazing off into the mirror at yourself thinking, “Yes I am attractive to the Tinder world.. Swipe right with me. Look at my oddly placed tattoo…”
4. Refrain from doing whatever this guy is doing. First off, sir you are taking a photo in a doctor’s office. Second, you stole the doctor’s gloves. Third, WHO THE H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS IS IN THERE WITH YOU AND TAKING THIS PHOTO? Did you say, excuse me Doc, can you spare a moment of your time for a classy photo?
5. And whatever you do, most definitely refrain from doing what this guy is doing. At first I thought this was hilarious, but then the thought kicked in that “Yep, this is odd.” This man is in a bathtub in the wilderness. Remember gents, appearing normal increases your odds by at least 50%.
6. Dress casual or again, normal. Maybe don’t wear an outfit only AC Slater looked good in on Saved By The Bell. Is this is your casual or evening wear? How am I supposed to introduce you to my parents?
7. Do NOT be gross. Glad to see your nose is nice and cleaned out here sir… Afraid to know what you do when you are not taking a picture.
8. Avoid looking desperate. Now if you would have put, “What lovely lady would like to share this pizza with me?” I am sure you would have gotten some takers. Right now all I am picturing though is you sitting at home, crying into your delicious looking pizza and that pizza going to waste. What I am trying to say is, we are far more concerned about the pizza’s safety and well-being than your loneliness.
9. Show off your talents in ways that won’t have us freezing our phones from swiping left so hard. While it is unique that you can ride a bike in the house and vacuum at the same time, I would say that is not at the top of a woman’s priority list when it comes to qualities of a man. Also, I can’t say we truly enjoy how open and honest you are about being in an “open relationship”. That makes it even easier to swipe left.
10. Please leave your threesomes to Craigslist and your girlfriends off of Tinder. I am still scared and disturbed.
11. Leave your tush off of Tinder. Glad to know you like to work on your fitness, Tinder is your witness (Yes, I just reworked a Fergie song there). Do not risk your life by falling into a pond and hurting a goldfish to get a muscle photo. Save all the tush business for date night.
12. If you are going to take your shirt off, at least keep your head on. I like a Channing Tatum body as much as the next girl, but thinking that you could be in this world missing your head is not really all that appealing. Seriously, what is so wrong with your face that you can’t show it at all?? Also, MIRROR PIC.
13. Please refrain from having your chocolate milk in the medicine cabinet. I am not going to lie, that is the first thing I noticed. Also, THAT YOU ARE TAKING A MIRROR PIC.
14. Please refrain from putting your pubic hair on Tinder. We are getting to a dangerous region here buddy. While I commend you for your honest about “Just wanting to have fun”, the Tinder world is not having fun by wondering how you pulled off this shot without your “eye of the tiger” getting in the way.
15. Make sure you are wearing underwear at all times on Tinder. That is really sad that you have to say that, but as you can tell, this “rocker” didn’t get the memo.
16. Finally when all is said and done, when you do match up with a girl on Tinder and you are not sure how to start the conversation, DO NOT SAY THIS.
Gentlemen, if you currently have a Tinder/Bumble/Match profile like the ones above, I suggest you delete it and reevaluate your life. Every time a woman sees one of the examples from above, they begin to think an arranged marriage is a more reliable source for happiness. Do us all a favor, Tinder gentlemen and clean up your act, think before you speak and please do not unleash your dragon on Tinder.