Junk Mail: What Girls Really Think About D*ck Pics

We have all been there. You open your Snapchat or you get an attachment in your text, and WHOOP there it is. A penis.

The Dick Pic is a wondrous thing, a tactic used by men to attract possible mates. At least, I assume that’s what they’re trying to do.

When I was single, swiping my way through potential matches and going out for coffee with potential suitors I met in the library, I was no stranger to the occasional “dick pic.” I felt like it was always used prematurely, and always caught me off guard. They always came at such inappropriate times like via Snapchat while in my night class… I just know the girls that sat behind me saw it.

I can’t be the only one that thinks that this is a weird, largely ineffective way to try to attract someone.

Now I make it my mission to communicate to guys as one of the recipients of this solicitation, what we’re really thinking.

It is best they take the following into consideration.

First, maybe give a little warning. The sender should make sure their crush is into it, not in the middle of class and, I don’t know, wants to see his penis? Don’t “slide into any DMs” uninvited. Consent is sexy.

Second, why do they keep sending the standard aggressive shot; like a stance worthy of Gaston in “Beauty and the Beast” (Sorry, Disney). Emojis can be his friend, he could cover his pal with an eggplant emoji or a dancing lady or he could cover his penis with a sheet (like a ghost!). Voila! No longer your everyday dick pic now is it?

Third, lighting is everything and angles are everything. A super zoomed up shot that is kind of dark and of the alien looking member is giving us the same reaction as someone sneaking up behind us and yelling, “BOO!” Just, no.

And lastly, if we didn’t want to see his penis in person, we probably don’t want to see it on our phones. And in reality, it doesn’t turn us on as much as they think it does. Or at all. Why do they think that sending me a dick pic is going to make me like them more?

Let’s be honest, we showed our friends the pic in question. What do guys expect us to do? We have to ask questions. We contemplate how many others has he sent this to, for example. Do you think he is holding it next to that banana for comparison? Is he in a McDonald’s bathroom? It’s protocol, we have to collaborate before we make our next move.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some incredibly artfully crafted photos out there, I get it. Still, there is something alarming about an erect penis appearing, randomly, on a screen that is intrusive. It’s even better when the text that follows is, “Send Nudes ;)?” Because now that he has sent a picture of his penis, it is only fair if we give away the goods, right?

Ha. No.

Before he sends his new chum photographic evidence and insight into what he’s got going on, he should wait for the invitation. No one truly likes an unwelcome guest. It’s like when Great-Aunt Mildred shows up unannounced for the weekend. Yet some of them insist, like we are missing out on something revolutionary if we don’t look at it. We’re not.

Should we put in our online profiles, please do not send “junk” mail? Is there an app we can use to screen incoming images of any phalluses that are lurking in our inbox? Where is the unsubscribe button?

So, please let us communicate to the penis-bearers of the world, stop sending unwanted dick pics. They are wasting our data, their time and if we didn’t ask then we didn’t want to see it in the first place. Consent is sexy, even when it comes to virtual dating!

Featured image via Dollar Gill on Unsplash 


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